Stepsisters
by MathemagicianSVU
Summary: AU. Casey's mother and Alex's father are getting married, so they become stepsisters. Unfortunately, they dislike each other very much, when something terrible happens.. Upgraded to M.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So, this is a story-line, made up by Blitz1030. I'm just writing it ^^ It's about Casey and Alex. Casey's mom will marry Alex's dad.**

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_Casey's POV._

**_Prologue_**

Today was the worst day ever. Or maybe not my worst day ever, since my mom is happy for the first time in a very long time, but still. My dad died when I was only seven years old. He walked home from work late at night, when two guys surprised him and stole his wallet, before shooting him. Some resident of the house nearby that street found him next morning. He was dead. I can still remember, two cops rang the doorbell and told the news. My mom was very sick worrying where my dad had been all night, but she still soothed me and told me it was gonna be okay. The cops told me it was not gonna be okay. My mom had to go to the ME's office to identify the body. It was his. I never saw my mom crying like that. I didn't know what to do. I guess it didn't get through what that meant. He would never comfort me when I was hurt anymore, he would never tuck me in at night anymore, he would never learn me to play softball anymore, he would never protect me from the bad things in life.. and so many other things. I was a daddy's girl. I missed him terribly. I still miss him terribly. It's not that I don't get along with my mom, it's just that she isn't my dad. And she never recovered.

My mom is in group therapy for a very long time now. To be exact, it's been eight years now. I'm fifteen years old, and I'm still hanging on. I'm kind of an outsider at school. I have my friends, but we're definitely not popular. Well, I'm wandering away from what I really want to say. My mom is dating this man lately. They seem well, so I'm fine with it. She met him at group therapy and he lost his spouse too, so they know about each other's troubles. I think it's been half a year now. My mom really cheers up with him around and she lights up when she talks about him. So, you're thinking, what's the problem? Well, today a bomb landed on my head. She told me she was planning on moving in with the guy. I knew him, he was nice and we got along, so I thought, it's not great, but it isn't the worst thing in the world. But the man has a daughter, and she truly _is_ the worst thing in the world. She's on the same school as me. I'm a freshman and she's a junior, so she's two years older than me I think. Her name is Alexandra Cabot and I clearly don't like her. She's one of the most popular girls at school and her father is very rich. She is showing off all the time and she looks down on me and my friends. She's like the one girl at school I really don't like. And I say that, because I think 'hate' is a really strong word, but she comes very close to that. She thinks she is so fabulous and dresses up like a queen. And above all, she is ice cold.

I guess we have just one thing in common, and that's the fact that we are, or actually I was, daddy's girls. The way she talks to her father.. I have to vomit if I think about it. 'Daddy, can you get me that car? Can you get me that dress? Can you get me those shoes?' I don't know if she's truly like that, or that she just plays like an Ice Princess, because she lost her mom or something. I don't know. I can hardly imagine you're such a snob without having a reason. Thing is, she's not only rich, or her father is rich, but she is also pretty smart. She gets straight As all the time and she has the most friends at school. I figured you had to be broke at the end of the day, but when she gets home, she socializes with her dad, makes homework or goes to her friends. Well, I'm trailing off again.

Thing is, when my mom will move in with that man, and eventually maybe marrying him, I have a problem. Alexandra Cabot will be my stepsister. There are a lot of things I want more than that. For example, I'd rather get stitched by some intern without narcotics, or I will abseil in the Grand Canyon. It will be hell on earth if I have to pretend to like her. I'm gonna meet her tonight. I have to pretend to like her, for my mom. I cannot afford to reject their relationship. My mom was having a rough time for a while and she deserves better now. I can't possibly understand why she would marry the father of such a outrageous bitch, but I'm her daughter and I should support her choices. Maybe I would marry some guy she didn't like and she would support me too. Well, I don't know that, but I like to think that.

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_**Chapter 1**_

It's been two months since my mom and her boyfriend are living together, with me and Alexandra of course, but she's making me a living hell. She tries to change my clothes and my hairstyle and pretty much everything that makes me me. I dislike her even more than at first, when I met her. Actually, to look back at the first time we met, for the lack of a better word, because we already knew each other, she was such a sweet girl back then. She didn't interfere with my life all the time and didn't try to set my mom against me. And as naive as my mom was, she didn't even see it. Everything Alexandra does is great and everything I do is terrible. For example, she listens to popular music everyone at school listens and dresses up like she's popular. She wears high heels and a lot of guys like her. I listen to, what they call, 'emo'-music, wear jeans and shirts and sneakers. Boys don't even notice me.

I forgot to mention that we have just one thing more in common. We both hate the fact that we are stepsisters. Alexandra wants to be an only child, like she always was, so I suspect she wants to try to get rid of me. Not that I spend much time with our 'family'. Only with dinner, because I don't like spending time in the presence of Alexandra, so she's practically only child. By the way, we are stepsisters, because my mom married Alexandra's dad in the meantime. Nice word, right? And so convenient, since all the time I spend with Alexandra is mean-time. Yesterday she told me I couldn't play softball, because that wasn't a sport for girls and not elegant enough. Like I am, right? She really thinks she can boss me around, but she can't. I don't care about what she thinks of me. I don't care about her at all.

Sometimes I wonder if she hates me, and if she does, how much. Oh, I used the word hate. That's not the right word, Casey, it's 'dislike'. My dad taught me when I was a little kid, of course, because I was still a little kid when he passed away, but right.. He taught me that hate was for bad people. I really miss him telling me such pieces of wisdom, because I really admired him for being that wise. My mom wasn't that kind of a wise. I don't look down on her, but like I said, she just isn't my dad. She doesn't comfort me like he did. Sometimes I wondered why my dad married my mom, but I guess he was just to polite to leave her. I looked up at what I had drawn. I draw a lot when I think, listening to music. I prefer my music very loud, but Alexandra doesn't seem to like that. That's maybe, because the music is very loud and contain lyrics that she would never understand.

We were home alone, so I didn't want to give her a reason to yell at me for hours, since there was no mother or stepfather to calm her down. I didn't want to meet the monster in her. Well, maybe that would be good for her, because she might understand one of the songs playing right now a little more. I stand up to get the music and put it on.

_The secret side of me, I never let you see, I keep it caged but I can't control it. So stay away from me, the beast is ugly, I feel the rage and I just can't hold it._

When you are really mad at someone, it's really nice to play that kind of music and just scream with it. Although, I'd better not scream, since once our neighbors called the cops because they thought I was assaulted or something. I had to explain them I just liked rough music when I was mad at someone and they told me to just not do that anymore, because people might think the worst. They never noted it or something I my mother didn't even know it happened, because I was home alone.

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I finished my freshman year at high school and I was at sophomore year for a few months now. I guess Alexandra just gave up on trying to change me, because she was giving me the silent treatment. I didn't know that for sure since she was in senior year and I heard that was a pretty busy year. Maybe she just doesn't have time to boss me around anymore. She turned eighteen in summer vacation and had a party with all her friends and a lot of other people I didn't know of. I wasn't invited, but I didn't mind anyway. I invited one of my best friends over and we spied on them. I discovered she kissed a lot of guys, and even one girl. I guess that wasn't really on purpose, because I can't imagine she would risk her image. It wasn't really in public, we just saw it, because it was upstairs at the end of the hallway that connected our bedrooms and the bathroom. I don't even know if she knows that I know that she kissed a girl.

I think the doorbell just rang. It was almost eleven o'clock in the evening, so I was a bit surprised. Who the hell rings the bell at this hour?

"Alexandra!" I yelled. "Open the door!"

I stand up to turn off my music and listen if I hear something. She opened the door, I can tell, but I don't know who it is. I don't hear her giggling, so it isn't a guy hitting on her, and I guess it's not her friends either, since she would have invited her in and closed the door by now. A little reluctant I decide it's best to go look from above the stairs. I silently sneak to the stairs and hear her talking to someone.

"I live here with my father, my stepmother and my stepsister. My stepsister is upstairs, I can summon her, if you want?"

"That sounds like a good idea to me." The one she talks to seemed to be a man. Alexandra calls my name and I walk downstairs.

The man is a cop, I can tell. I have a little flashback at when two cops came to tell me my dad was dead. I wrap my arms around myself, because I'm suddenly pretty cold. This couldn't be good, right? He tells us that we have to sit down and Alexandra makes some coffee for the man. I'm not gonna sit down. Instead, I just keep pacing around the room. I don't want to hear the thing the cop has to say. I can only imagine what he has to say. Either our parents were in the hospital, or they were dead. Or they were investigating a crime and we were suspects, but that doesn't seem so likely. When we were all covered, that means, I am still pacing around, the cop is sipping from his coffee and Alexandra is sitting on the couch in front of the cop. To think of it, the cop seems really nervous.

"Your parents were in an accident, little over ten o'clock." Alexandra gasps loudly, but I'd expected this. "The medics tried to resuscitate, but nothing worked. They were almost immediately dead and didn't suffer."

The cop looks at his feet as if he has killed our parents himself. Alexandra starts crying, sobbing. I don't do anything to comfort her. I should, but I don't. I just don't feel like I have to behave different in such a situation. We lost both a parent tonight, after we had lost the other one years ago. It didn't really penetrated my mind until now, because that meant from now on, I was an orphan.

"I don't understand. We are orphaned right now. What's gonna happen with us? Who's our legal guardian?" I ask the man.

"Well, since Alexandra isn't minor anymore, she doesn't need a legal guardian. You, on the contrary are still a minor. Your mother notices in her will a legal guardian, if something happened to her and her husband." he paused.

"Who?" I ask, forgetting to be polite. I don't care about that right now. I just lost my last parent.

"Alexandra Cabot." he said.

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**A/N: The lyrics are coming from Skillet and I'm totally aware of the fact that Skillet didn't even exist in 1992, but I just like their music, so I will pretend it did exist back then ^^ I hope you don't mind.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Wow, really thanks for those reviews :) I'm flattered. Can't stop smiling right now ^^ So, another one, enjoy :)**

**By the way, there's a Dutch sit-com (well, it finished last January, but it was on TV for almost nine years) about a stepsister and a stepbrother (and some other people, they're just two of the maincharacters) and eventually, in the last episode, they marry ^^ So, just saying. XD Has nothing to do with this story ^^ (or maybe it has)**

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_**Chapter 2**_

If you asked a few minutes ago, I couldn't tell two words were going to ruin my life. This couldn't be true. My life just fell into pieces when the told me my mom died, and her husband too, but just when you think it's not possible your life could be any worse, it just gets worse. I think this is what 'worst' is like. Your worst nightmare. I look at Alexandra and she is dead pale, just like a ghost. I still don't want to comfort her, but I don't know what else I can do.

"Are there other options?" I ask the cop. I don't know for sure if he knows something about other options, but at least I can give it a try.

"Well, I don't know that for sure, but since there's not other uncle or aunt who can take care of you, and your grandparents are either deceased or not able to take care of you.. I don't think you have much of another choice." he shrugs, clearly uncomfortable as a broken chair.

Oh my god, there are no other choices? Maybe I just want to a foster family or something. I mean, that's always better than living with her, right?

"And foster care?" I ask, because I really don't want to think about living with Alexandra. I already know the answer, since my mom and stepfather appointed Alexandra as my legal guardian, I don't have much of a choice right there. I have to live with Alexandra. Well, as long as we just stay out of each other's way, it's possible, perhaps, but I don't know if I can handle having dinner with her and that kind of stuff. Maybe I should just get used to the fact that Alexandra and I have to live together. A wave of nausea just crashed down on me. I think I have to vomit, so I stand up and run to the bathroom. Everything I ate the last few hours ended up in the toilet. I gag a few times more and I feel two cold hands on my shoulder, stroking my hair together, behind my back. I close my eyes, because I realize who it is, and I'm not sure if I want her to touch me like that. But before I can tell her to leave me alone another stream of vomit lands in the toilet.

"I know you hate me and you don't want me to touch you, but you don't want vomit in your hair." Alexandra tells me, still holding my hair. I close my eyes as I try to wake up. This has to be a nightmare, this cannot be real. This is some sick joke or something. Maybe my mom and stepfather just want to test us. How much we hate each other, just to check if they can plan on a holiday trip together as a family. Well, that didn't work out. I still dislike her.

"Casey, you have to say something. You didn't say a word since the cop told us I'm your legal guardian. I know you don't want to be, and I surely as hell don't want to be, but we don't have another choice, right? I mean, I'm a grown-up. I can look for a place myself, and just put you in foster care or something and run away from it. And I don't know, because there's nothing to win here for me, but it's in their will. I can't change that. I didn't even know. And concluding from your reaction, you didn't either. I think they should have discussed it with us. And I can't be even mad at them, because they're gone. And I'm really sad, because they are."

I narrow my eyes. This isn't the real Alexandra Cabot speaking, right? This must be some sick kind of joke, because the Alexandra I knew didn't talk about feelings. And she sure as hell didn't have something to win over here. She probably disliked me as much as I disliked her.

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_Alex's POV_

What am I saying? I cannot say such things to that redhead in front of me. And she's vomiting, and that's really disgusting, so why are you holding her hair back? I must have been sick or something. I should just say no to that cop and they should put Casey into foster care. I cannot take care of her. I'm just eighteen years old and still studying and next year I'm going into college. Besides, taking care of yourself isn't easy, but taking care of someone else is really difficult. And to think of it, I don't even like that girl. She is everything I'm not and other way round. She doesn't want to be like me. She doesn't care about the stuff I care about. I can't take care of her. I need some advice about this. Maybe I should call my best friend Cheryl. Maybe she knows what to do. When I reassured that Casey'd stopped vomiting I walk back at the living room, where the cop is still sitting on the couch.

"Can I think about it?" I ask him, a little hesitant.

"Of course. You don't have to decide right now. I assume you just stay at this home for the next couple of weeks, at least for now?" he asks me, still a little uncomfortable.

"I guess we are. I think we need to take care of the funeral and stuff, don't we?" I'm living in a rush right now. I don't really realize what just happened and what the consequences are. I just lost my last parent. My daddy. I was always a daddy's girl. I loved him more than anything in the world, although, maybe he didn't even know. I walk back to the bathroom as I see Casey stopped gagging and she seems to relax. Or maybe she's just collapsing.

"Are you okay?" I ask her, but she shakes her head.

"Our parents are dead, Alexandra. Don't you understand? My life is ruined. You have to take care of me, because that's in their will." she sighs. I know what she means. She doesn't want this. She doesn't want me to take care of her. She hates me.

"Well, at least you can live in this house." I try, but she seems to be even more upset.

"With all the memories of them. It's a big house, Alexandra. Are you sure we can handle this? We're just kids. Do you know what kind of responsibility you're gonna have, taking care of me? That means so much. For example, if I'm in an accident, and I think that chance is really huge, since all of our parents died, and I'm becoming a vegetable, you get to decide if I live. And I don't have a choice in here, because that's in their will. I cannot be my own legal guardian." she sighs. "My god, we're so fucking screwed."

"Well, tell me. Do you want to be a vegetable in case something happens?" I ask, frowning a bit. This is so weird. We never talk to each other. We almost always try to avoid each other.

"No, just pull the plug. Nothing good can come from being a vegetable." she exclaims.

A awkward silence falls down on us as we are in the bathroom. I decide it's better to just leave her alone and walk back to the living room. The cop is standing when I enter the room.

"I'm gonna go now. If you need anything, you can always call the police station. They know about your situation." he assures me, weakly smiling.

"Okay, good night, officer." I tell him as I close the door behind his back.

* * *

_Casey's POV_

It's been two months since my mom and her husband died. I'm laying down the ground of my room, my music turned on very loud. I feel numb. I feel the dried up tears on my face. My eyes are sore. I was crying for a long time, but I stopped. I guess it's just because I ran out of tears.

_Tonight I'm so alone, this sorrow takes a hold. Don't leave me here so cold, never want to be so cold._

Music seems to understand me. My feelings.

_I'm falling in the black, slipping through the cracks, falling to the depths, can I ever go back? Dreaming of the way it used to be, can you hear me?_

Nobody can hear me. I don't have any people who love me unconditionally left. First I lost my father, my favorite person in the world. Then I lose my mother, who's not my father, but still. If there exists a God, I'm sure I didn't something terribly wrong, but I don't know what. I don't deserve to be punished like this. I don't deserve the pain I feel in my whole body. I can't eat, I can't sleep.. I cannot look in the mirror anymore, because all I see is a ghost. The ghost of my past. The ghost of my lost soul. I want to feel something else than just pain. I got interrupted from my thoughts, as someone, probably Alexandra, knocks on the door.

"Casey? Can you open the door?" It's Alexandra. I stand up a little reluctant and walk to my door to unlock it.

"What?" I ask, still numb.

"Well, dinner is almost ready and your friend Alyssa called. I told her you would call back in a few minutes, is that okay?" Alyssa was my best friend. I know her for a long time now. I guess it's been, like what? Ten years or so?

"Okay." I answer and I turn around to turn my music off. When I turn back to the door again, I see Alexandra is still standing in my room. "What?"

"It's just that.." she pauses. "Never mind." and she leaves my room again.

I frown. What was that about? She's so weird. By the way, living with Alexandra turned out not to be the worst thing in the world. The last two months she's been really nice to me. Well, perhaps 'nice' is a strong word, I would rather use the word 'bearable'. She just left me alone if I wanted to and made dinner for the two of us. She also cleaned up the house, well, with my help of course, and all other things that come with having a home. I walk downstairs, to the phone in the living room. I decide to just call Alyssa back. She's been a great support the last few months.

"Hey, Alyssa, it's me." I say when she answers the phone.

"Hey, how are you?" she asks me.

"You know. You?" I ask.

"Well, I'm doing fine. I was just checking up on you. I thought maybe I could stop by tonight? I sound like you can use some company." Over the past few months Alyssa came by a lot. I really enjoyed that, because I got some distraction from my pain.

"Yeah, that seems great. See you in an hour?" I suggest.

"That will do. See you, Case!" and she hangs up.

I walk back to the kitchen and tell Alexandra Alyssa is coming over tonight.

"That's okay." she mumbles. She seems distracted.

"I think you're burning the potatoes." I notice. That's weird, normally she's not that absent-minded. I frown. She looks tense. I narrow my eyes. In the light of the kitchen, I can see she cried. Her eyes are a bit swollen. The Ice Princess can cry? Well, I've seen her crying, the night our parents died and on the funeral, but it's been two months. I still ain't doing well, though, but I can't imagine she isn't. She seems fine all the time. Should I ask her if she's okay? I don't know. I wake up from my pondering, because Alexandra dropped the pan with potatoes in the sink.

"Damnit, damnit, damnit." She curses. I see she burned her hand, because it's red like hell.

"You have to cool down immediately." I tell her. I turn the tap on and carefully grab her hand. "There's gonna be a nasty wound. I guess it's second degree burn-wound." I put her hand in the soft stream of water to cool it down.

"Thanks." she breathes.

An hour later the doorbell rings. We finished our dinner and I am doing the dishes right now. Alexandra walks to the door to open and Alyssa enters the kitchen after a few minutes.

"Hey, Case." she smiles. "Good to see you. Almost done?"

"Yeah. I just have to put everything in the dishwasher and then I'm ready, uncle Al." I say as she grins and she starts helping me with the dishwasher.

A few minutes later we're done and we walk to my bedroom.

"So, how are you and your evil stepsister doing?" she asks me as I sit down on the floor against the wall with my knees pulled up. Alyssa sits down next to me.

"Well, just fine, I guess. She isn't as bad as at first. She changed, I guess. I don't know if it's temporarily." I say as I look into her grey eyes. She's really a pretty girl, although she doesn't realize that. Maybe that's what makes her that beautiful. Her innocence. She's so nice and really cares about me. She has dark hair, falling down on her shoulders. "She was being absent-minded today, though. I don't know what she's up to. I don't understand. She even burned her hand, when cooking. She never does that kind of stuff. She's always perfectly in control."

Alyssa frowns. "That's weird." She seems to be thinking.

"What's up, Al?" I ask her, looking into her eyes.

"I don't know. I.. No, I'm just being silly." she decides to end her sentence.

"Tell me, Al." I nudge my best friend's side. She chuckles. That's her weak point. I know all her weaknesses, and she knows mine.

"Alright, just stop tickling me!" she chuckles. "Maybe.." she's talking conspiratorial right now. "She's in love with you." She wiggles her eyebrows.

"Oh my god, you didn't just say that." I exclaim giggling.

"Well, it's possible. We saw her kissing another girl a few months ago." she grins.

"There's no way, uncle Al." I tease. "If she likes girls, I wouldn't be the one for her. I'm pretty sure about that."

"Yeah right." she chuckles. I pout at her. "I'm kidding, Case." she says as she places a quick kiss on my temple.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews :) I have a reason Alex is being nice, and maybe you will find out. Enjoy this one :) By the way, it's just that I couldn't post another update yesterday, because it was already 2AM where I live and I had to get up at 5.15AM. Poor me. XD**

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**_Chapter_ 3**

_Alex's POV_

Come on, Cabot, focus. You're way too distracted lately. You shouldn't have burned those potatoes and certainly not yourself. What's wrong with you? A clear image of Alyssa popped up in my mind. I thought about it. What does she have to do with my distraction? Nothing, right? It's a good thing I didn't take over my father's business, because we were probably broke right now if that was the case here. I can barely keep up the good grades at school, and I have to, because it's my last year and next year I want to go to college. I don't want to throw away my other possibilities before taking over my father's business. Besides, I'm still the owner of it. Some guy who was very close to my father, I guess his name is Jacob Wayne, is running it right now. He practically co-operated the business with my father. You're trailing off again, Cabot, focus. I was figuring out what was distracting me lately. I got interrupted from my thoughts as I hear some thumping upstairs. It's Alyssa and Casey. They are coming down and right in front of the door, Alyssa hugs Casey tight.

"See you tomorrow, Case." She says, while she places a quick peck on the cheek. My stomach turns around in my abdomen, and suddenly I feel sick. Am I jealous? Do I envy Alyssa? But why? She has nothing I don't have, has she? I can't imagine. I have practically everything I need. I startle as Alyssa says goodbye and closes the door behind her. I am, how they say it, flabbergasted. I just stare at the door and a few seconds later Casey waves her hand in front of my face.

"What the hell is wrong with you today?" She says to me, a little bit nettled. She narrows her eyes at me and looks very suspicious.

"Nothing." I answer, but I notice myself that I don't sound convincing.

"You just keep staring and stuff. And you burned your hand. What the hell, Alexandra?" She raises her voice. "I know you hate me, and probably Alyssa. Which I don't understand, since you don't even know her.. But you're being so weird."

"I am most certainly not, Casey! And stop interfering with my life." I snap, but I'm only making her point because of that.

"Ha, you say that, but you've forgotten that you are the bitch who couldn't stop interfering with my life. Just bossing me around and stuff. And now you don't do that anymore, but you can.. I don't understand.." she yelled. I've never seen her losing control like this.

"What's your problem? You're yelling for no reason." I frown. She exhales and sits down on the couch.

"I don't know, Alexandra. It's just that I don't understand. Just.. forget it, okay?" She says, sighing deeply, before walking away to her room.

I sit down on the couch, staring at my fingers. What was wrong with me? I'm just confused about everything. Did I really change? Does she really think I'm a bitch? Well, I'm actually not that shocked about that. I pretty well know she doesn't like me, because she's not me, right? She envies me. Or doesn't she? She seems fine with herself. She's like this, because she chooses to. I don't understand that. You would want to be accepted and cherished by everyone, don't you? I would. I am. But can I tell I have the kind of friends Casey has? No. They don't hug me or kiss me on the cheek when they go away. I'm almost never alone with someone. Sometimes I have dates, but they don't turn out to be great, mostly. I mean, I just like kissing around a bit, because it makes me feel loved, or maybe I just need physical contact, but I never had the urge to be with someone. I've never been in love. I think I just didn't find the right guy yet.

Maybe that's a little bit weird too, isn't it? That I've never been in love? I'm already eighteen years old and I've never been in any relationship before. I guess it's just not my thing. Or maybe it is, but I just haven't discovered that part of me yet. That's so weird, you have to pretend like an adult, because both your parents died and you have to take care of your stepsister and yourself. And thing is that you don't like her. Or did I secretly like her? Nah, couldn't be. She's totally different than me. Maybe I wanted to be more like her. She's got a best friend who really cares about her. I don't. I mean, I have a best friend, Cheryl. But she doesn't care if I'm hurt. It's more the kind of girl you get the latest gossips from. I startle from my pondering when I hear some music. Casey.

_I'm at war with the world, cause I ain't never gonna sell my soul. I've already made up my mind, no matter what, I can't be bought or sold._

Why is she always listening to such kind of music? It's not even music. It's just one scream or something. Noise. My head aches. I guess it's because of the music, because it's really loud. I can't think like this. I notice I'm already walking to her room, and I knock on her door. I open it and see her lying down the floor, staring at the ceiling.

"What the hell, Casey? Why so loud?" I yell at her. I feel the rage in my veins, but I couldn't lose control. Cabots never lose control.

"Just go away." She waves at me, as if she wants to chase me away, but I don't give up.

"Just stop it! It gives me headaches. And can't you just listen normal music?" I yell, walking to her radio to turn it off. She stands up and tries to stop me.

"Stay away from my room. Just leave me alone." Casey had grabbed my wrist and turns it away from her radio. "And don't touch my stuff."

"You can't just be selfish. You can't just let me suffer from your stupid music. Damn, can you just be normal? Like everybody else? Just be popular? I'm so ashamed of you. Who you are. The way you dress yourself. Buy some decent clothes or something. You look like an emo or a Gothic." I see I've just gone too far with that. I see tears in Casey's eyes.

"Why are you trying to make my life a living hell?" She doesn't yell. She's not mad. She looks at me with two empty eyes. I don't know what it is, but the question itself really hurt. It's like there's some bug inside my stomach that wants to eat his way out. I feel so sick. I think I have to vomit. Do I feel guilty? But why, I'm not doing something wrong, right? I just want her to change in something more acceptable. It's for her own good. She's not liked and people talk about her badly. I wonder if she even knows.

"Do you know people talk about you?" I ask, frowning. She narrows her eyes.

"Do I have to care about that? They don't know me. I do what I want. Cause this is my life. Just like the song says I was just listening." She's got a kind of stubborn look on her face. As if she wants to tell the world how less she cares about what people think of her, and she's just gonna be her, no matter what. Why are people so stubborn?

"Why don't you care about that? I don't understand." I make a face. I really don't understand. You want people to accept you, right? I want that. I am accepted. I'm probably one of the most popular girls at school. I've always been. I have money and I dress up like I have. I'm everything everyone wants to be. Why does this redhead not want that? I can't understand. She's the access to learn so much from me, about fashion and behaving like a queen.

"Because you just want to be loved by everybody, want to be a role-model. I just want to be myself. I don't want to be someone I'm not. I mean, I can be who I want to be and who I truly am, but you can't say that right?" It's like she stabbed me in my stomach with a rusty knife. What was she talking about? She can't possibly know who I am. Besides, I am who I am, right? I'm not pretending, not playing a role.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, narrowing my eyes. I'm suspicious. Maybe I know what she is talking about.

"You know what I'm talking about. But I will explain. I saw you kissing that girl on your birthday party when you thought nobody looked." I froze. How could she have seen that? I've been hiding with this girl. And she wasn't invited. Was she spying on me? "Well, not so much is coming out from you right now. You know I'm right. Why did you kiss that girl?"

I look her in the eyes. She's not trying to bully me, I think. I don't know that for sure. Maybe she was testing me. "It's none of your business." Why do you say that, Cabot? You want to talk about it, right? You have been wanting to talk about it since it happened, but you can't trust anybody. Why can't you trust your stepsister? She doesn't have anything to gain in here. Maybe she wants to ruin your life, like she claims you ruined hers. Hmm, in that case it's best if I just shut up and never tell anybody. It was probably nothing. Although it had been my best kiss ever. It was so much different than kissing a guy. A guy is just less soft and rougher. A girl on the contrary is pretty soft and delicate.

"You're thinking about it, don't you?" Casey asks, waking me up from my contemplating. I don't want to tell her. I just don't. Maybe she will blackmail me, or start a gossip. Although, she wasn't the kind of girl who starts gossips. A blurry picture of Alyssa hugging Casey and kissing her on the cheek pops up in my mind again. I can't talk to her. I just can't. She won't understand, right? I don't even understand.

"Why were you spying on me?" I narrow my eyes as I force myself to like into her eyes. There is a silent battle going on between the two of us. It is pretty tense. She raises eyebrows, as if she doesn't understand why I'm changing the subject.

"You're ignoring my question. I know you're thinking about it. And I wasn't spying, I just saw it by accident. I would never spy on you." She frowns. I don't understand why she frowns.

"You don't know what I think, Casey." I furrow my eyebrows. She did know. I have the feeling she knows exactly what's going on and that creeps me out. Maybe she knows more than I do. That's not that difficult, since I don't understand anything of it. I'm not supposed to be kissing women. I'm straight, right? Why can't I just say 'I'm straight' to myself, without wondering if that's true? That's concerning.

_Casey's POV_

I guess Alyssa is right when she's saying Alexandra may have a thing for women. I'm not convinced that she's eyeing on me, though. She doesn't seem to like me. Hell, she doesn't even trust me enough to just admit that she kissed a girl. And I saw her doing that, so it was pretty hard to just completely deny it. She's a really bad liar, though. You can tell she's struggling with herself. Or am I just imagining things? Maybe she's just not that kind of girl. I am. I wonder things. I try to understand myself. I'm struggling with myself my whole life. Well, it's part of puberty of course, but I really miss my dad and I've never been like other people. Listening to this kind of music was one of my 'shortcomings', what people called them. I prefer it calling 'distinguish yourself'. I'm not afraid to be different. I mean, I had been, but I had taken a real nose-dive in that. I tried to be like everyone else, but it just ate inside of me. It was like playing a role your whole life. That's when I started listening to my music. One of my favorite songs back then was 'Would it matter?' It's a pretty depressing song, which I only listen if I feel bad. Really bad. Once I draw a piece of the lyrics on my notebook. I guess that's about a year ago. Alyssa, who sat next to me at math class, saw it and spoke to me about it.

_I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone, someone that I like better. Can you help me forget, don't wanna feel like this forever._  
_What if I just pulled myself together, would it matter at all? What if I just try not to remember, __would it matter at all? _  
_All the chances that have passed me by, would it matter if I gave it one more try? _

We had never actually talked. I didn't notice her before. She was so nice. We talked about Skillet, the band who made this song, and I'm still addicted to, and we discovered we actually have a lot in common. I guess it didn't took long for us to become best friends. It just felt right. I could tell her everything I wanted her to know. I could discuss all of my problems. She cheers me up every time. I can't believe someone like Alexandra doesn't want that. Someone you can trust completely and you can talk to about pretty much everything.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews :) Maybe this one explains some things. Enjoy!**

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_Casey's POV_

It's late, like two o'clock at night and I'm still laying on the ground, looking at the ceiling. I never was a good sleeper. I don't sleep long and well. My dad also never did. When I was a kid, I went to drink a glass of water when I couldn't sleep, and my dad was mostly downstairs, just watching TV or something, also not able to sleep. We talked for hours. He learned me it was okay to be whoever you are, also if other people think strange of you. If they don't like you, they don't matter. So, maybe that's why I don't like Alexandra. She wants me to be someone I'm not. She wants me to be like her. But how can you even possibly want someone to be like yourself, when you're pretending to be someone else? I open my eyes as I hear a silent knock on the door.

"Are you still awake?" Alexandra whispers.

"Yeah." I sigh. I don't feel like talking to her right now. I'm still a bit mad. I don't know exactly why, because it's her own problem if she doesn't want to be honest to herself. I don't care so much. It's just that maybe, if she knows she's lying to herself, she leaves me alone. She stops harassing me and trying to change me into someone I'm not. My door opens and Alexandra walks in. She seems like she's cried. I can't help but feel sorry for her. I guess I know why she cried. She's seriously struggling with her issues.

"Can I talk to you?" she asks. She doesn't sound like the very confident Alexandra Cabot I know. If she's not gonna slap me or something, it can't hurt, right? So I shrug. She takes it as an invite, because she sits down on the ground, with her back against my closet. She pulls up her knees to her chin and wraps her arms around her legs, leaning with her head on her knees. She seems to be struggling with words. She fidgets with her fingernail.

"Why are you here, Alexandra?" I ask, shifting from position, to get a better look at Alexandra, but she still doesn't say a word. I think she's still contemplating whatever she wants to say to me, so I leave her in her thoughts, leaning against my bed from my sitting position. If someone told me a year ago that Alexandra Cabot would be in my bedroom at two o'clock in the morning, I would have simply laughed the person in question in the face. But there she is, sitting next to me against my closet, fiddling with her nails. The great Alexandra Cabot would never sit on floors, right?

"I'm sorry." She just says. I kind of have the feelings she wanted to say something else, but that she decided that would be no use and she changed her mind. Instead of saying what she really wanted to say, she said sorry.

"Why?" I ask. I'm confused.

"I snapped at you. I shouldn't have done it." She says, looking at the tips of her toes. I can see she's thinking about what she really wanted to say. A little reluctantly, I shift from my position to next to her.

"Alexandra. Are you into women?" I ask her, forcing her to look in my eyes. "Please, just don't lie for once. Don't pretend to be someone else. Someone that you're not"

She looks up with tear-filled eyes. I feel sorry for her even more than I already did. Her eyes softened a little. I've never seen her doing that before. She always had that invincible look in her eyes, as if nobody could touch her emotionally. I prefer it to call it her 'Ice Princess'-face. Somehow I broke her walls by yelling at her, but she still didn't say anything to me. Well, she doesn't have to say it for me, because I know what's going on, and her face says more than a thousand words in this case, but she needs to say it for herself. To make it more real. Or definite.

"I won't tell anyone. I may not like you and other way round, but I would never do something that mean." I sigh. "I'm not that kind of person. I'm not a bully."

"I don't hate you." She breathes, turning her eyes away, looking at her toes again. I don't know what to do at this moment. She's being all closed and stuff. Normally, if it concerned Alyssa or other friends, they just told me. I never had to exert myself to get information from them. I look into her eyes again, forcing her to look in mine. Somehow it was really important for her to just admit she was gay. Maybe it would become more bearable living with her, knowing something real about her. I always have the feeling she's just being fake. That is probably the mean reason I dislike her so much.

As I close my eyes, I suddenly feel two lips against mine. In a reflex I kiss back, but when I realize what I'm doing, I pull away and open my eyes again. I look into the two shocked eyes of Alexandra Cabot. What the hell? This is so wrong on so many levels. First of all, she's my stepsister. Second of all, she's Alexandra Cabot. Well, maybe that was also the first of all. It's not a problem I just kissed a woman, because I don't care about that. I know for a while now that I don't have a preference, I'm just bisexual. I've been in love with both boys and girls. I told Alyssa. Nobody else knows about it, and I like it that way. I guess I just have to experiment more before I can take such conclusion. As far as I know, I could still be straight or lesbian. Although, I don't think that chance is that huge. Well, I think it's one of the reasons I think Alexandra should be honest with herself. I was honest with myself. I accept myself, as far as possible as an teenager in puberty. People may call it a phase. Maybe it is, and I don't know better. But the fact that I am bisexual and I accept that, may be the reason I want Alexandra to confess to herself that she's gay. Or at least bisexual.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." she stands up and walks away from my room. I'm shocked. I guess I just expected her to confess that she liked that more than kissing guys, but she still wasn't honest. What's holding her back? I decide it's maybe for the best if I chase her. She's upset and I don't want her to do something silly. I can't lose another person taking care of me in a short time. I knock on her door and walk in. She's lying on her bed, with her back to the door, so I walk to her bed and sit down next to her.

"I'm not mad at you." I say to her. If it wasn't Alexandra, I probably would have stroked her hair, but she's Alexandra Cabot and I can't push myself to do that. How many times I'd comforted Alyssa, because she was having issues or something.

"I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm sorry." I think she's crying, but I can't see that well, because her head's turned away from me.

"You're just confused." I tell her. I actually don't want to, but my dad taught me to be nice anyway. Even if I didn't like someone. People had to be more helpful to other people, instead of just being selfish and self-centered. I see that Alexandra shrugs.

"I'm not supposed to like women. I am not raised that way." She still doesn't look at me.

"You aren't raised that way, you're born that way. And you can't change that, even if you want to." I say. Her parents had messed her up. I can easily see a little blonde girl, walking in between her parents and seeing two men walking hand in hand, asking her parents why they walk hand in hand. Her parents would have explained her that was just wrong. God didn't mean for us to fall in love with someone with the same gender. Women are made for men and other way round. People who are gay, are just sick people. It always made me sick when I heard people telling each other such things. They tell each other it's not natural. But if it weren't, then why are there even gay animals? They don't have the common sense we have. And it proves that homosexuality is natural.

"You think so?" She pretty much seems like a little kid, who doesn't know that one and one add up to two. "Then why people think gay people are sick?"

"Because they don't know better." I sigh. I was so damn right about her being raised as such. "Distant yourself. You don't have to pretend someone you're not."

"I don't know who I really am, Casey. I never have known. I always thought that the person I was, was the person I looked like I was." She looks at her toes again. I feel really sorry for herself. She just doesn't know better. Her parents had messed her up. Maybe I wasn't perfect, but sure as hell she weren't either. I can at least tell that I'm honest with myself.

"You kissed a woman. Twice." I point out. "Come on, be honest with yourself."

Alexandra sighs. "I don't know, Casey. It seems so.."

"Just say it. You won't die or something." I say. Why the hell was she so stubborn?

"Alright. I think I'm into women more than I like men." She seems relieved, but also scared. I never thought she would be this vulnerable. I must admit I didn't know a thing about her, to think of it. The image of some people are not always what they really are. I guess that's something I can conclude from this. People kept up appearances to make them look better, and to cover up the truth. The truth that could be ugly or confronting. Alexandra's is that she's gay. Did she never know she was? She never peaked at a pretty woman in a TV-movie, just secretly? I couldn't just imagine that, because I did that. And I'm just bisexual, so.. I don't understand.

"How do you feel about finally saying it?" I ask, studying her face. Her facial muscles seem more relaxed, but that could be just my mind thinking that.

"I don't know. I feel empty. Maybe I should just go asleep." She sighs. I decide that's a good idea and I stand up to leave.

"Thanks for telling me. Your secret is safe." I tell her. I don't know if I can keep my mouth shut to Alyssa, but she won't tell someone else. Alexandra just nods, so I leave for my room.

_Alex's POV_

I finally said it. I'm gay. I don't know what to think of it. It makes it like it's definite. I can never take those words back. I can never take that kiss back. I just kissed her. I couldn't control myself. What was that about? Cabots were always in control. Why couldn't I fight the urge to kiss Casey? I mean, had she ever kissed someone? And if she did, had she ever kissed a woman? If she was straight, it would probably her last one with a woman. And it's a less bad thing since I didn't use my tongue. That would have been terrible. Thing is that we are stepsisters, and people could call it incest. I didn't think of that as such, because she isn't my sister. She never have been. If my parents could see me know, they would have disowned me, probably. I kissed a woman and family at the same time. I guess I just broke a record right there, violation two family rules at the same time. Something strikes me as I think about the kiss. I liked it. I guess it's the best regular kiss without tongue I've ever had. Her lips felt so soft against mine, so natural. I don't curse a lot, but I guess I got a reason to right now. I just found out I have a crush for the person I don't want to have a crush for. The one person who would never have the same feelings for me as I have for her.

I could never make it easy for myself. I never had made it easy for myself. That's why I'm getting high grades at school. That's why I'm popular. It's just what's being a Cabot is like. You had to be strong, because you can't get it the easy way. You don't have to take it the easy way, because being easy is for weak persons. If you want to be a Cabot, you have to choose the hard way, the best way. If you succeed, you're gonna get more satisfaction from it than when you did it the easy way. You have to challenge yourself to get better. If you don't, you just stay the way you already are, without improving yourself. I guess I'm holding myself back when it comes to who I am. I was challenging myself on every possible part, except of who I am. I need to work on that. I need to find out who I truly am, instead of just being the person I want, or maybe not want, but ought to be. I am just running away from myself. I have been, all my life. Just because people told me to. It's not that I just listen when people tell me to do things, so I think that's rather weird, right? I have to take control of my own life again. I have to work on that.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'm addicted to you people ^^ Your reviews are nice. :) I upgraded my story to M, but that doesn't mean anything for now, but I got something in mind for future chapters, so.. **

**By the way, Lexie, if there are errors, you can tell me ^^ I just want to be better and stuff, and that's difficult if people don't say what you're doing wrong, so.. Please put it in a review or PM me. That concerns everybody, so if you see something that's not right or something, just tell me. ^^ I'm not a native English speaker and I don't speak English very much besides fanfic (at high school, it was my worst grade XD)**

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_Casey's POV_

What the hell did just happen? Alexandra Cabot kissed me and I kissed her back? What's wrong with me? Well, it's not so much of a shame, since she's the most popular girl at school and she's actually really pretty and sexy, but I don't like her, right? It's wrong to kiss someone that you dislike. She told me she doesn't hate me. I actually think she meant to say she likes me, but she wouldn't admit that. Besides, she took a huge step by telling me that she is a lesbian. I need to talk about this with Alyssa. I need to figure this out. You just don't kiss someone back if you don't mean it. Maybe I'm just confused or something. I don't know for sure. I fall asleep as I ponder about Alexandra and what to do about it. Next day it will be Saturday and I'll have time to drop by Alyssa or other way round.

Next morning, breakfast is pretty awkward. None of us said something, until I decide I can't take the silence anymore. I have to ask her what yesterday was about. Why did she kiss me?

"Alexandra." I start, but she cuts me off.

"I don't know, Casey. Maybe we should just pretend it didn't happen, alright? That would be the best." She sighs and looks at her plate, avoiding my eyes.

"And how am I supposed to do that? You can't just kiss someone and ask from her to just forget about it, Alexandra. That's not fair." I exclaim. I'm pretty pissed, but somewhere I understand. Well, I don't quite understand, but I see why she's saying it. She doesn't want to face reality. I stand up to go back to my bedroom. I'm done with her for now.

"Casey." She tries, but I don't want her lies anymore. I can't take it right now. Yesterday she kisses me, and now she wants to take it all back. It's not right. It's just nauseating. I walk back to my room and lay down on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Why can't she just be who she is? Why is she like that? Pretending to be someone else, someone perfect. Nobody is perfect. Everybody is flawed, but flaws make you who you are. It wouldn't be good if everybody was perfect. Nothing good would come from that. A few minutes later I hear a knock on my door.

"Go away, Alexandra." I tell her, a bit annoyed by her presence. But at the same time I want her to take her words back. That she allows herself to be gay. To be who she is. My door opens as she enters my room. She walks to my bed and sits down next to me.

"I'm sorry about that." She sighs. "I just don't know how to handle this, okay? If my parents knew.. Their only daughter fooling around with girls.. I can't think of their reaction."

I take a better look at her and see she's trembling. "Are you cold?" I ask her.

"No, why?" She seems confused.

"You're trembling." I sit up to wrap my blanket around her back. They sit there like that for a few minutes when Alexandra breaks the silence.

"You know.. you're actually really nice." She looks me in my eyes. I can see she's scared. For the first time, I notice the little gray spots in her blue eyes.

"You just never gave me the chance to show you. You always wanted me to be like you." I breathe.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have." She breathes very deeply, I can tell. I think I want to kiss her, but I don't know why, so I just stare into her eyes. There was this kind of tension, filling the room. I can feel it in my stomach. There is this heavy load in my lower abdomen, that won't go away. They next moment I know, Alexandra's lips brush against mine again, for the second time in twenty-four hours. I close my eyes and the load in my abdomen shifts as I lose control over my breathing. I feel goosebumps on my back. She runs her hand over my back and I feel her tongue across my lips. I'm a little nervous, because I never kissed someone with tongue before, but I couldn't think about it so much. I totally lost control about myself. I slowly part my lips and let my tongue meet hers. The sensation is too overwhelming. After what seems like minutes, Alexandra pulls away from the kiss. At first it felt clumsy, but after a few minutes it didn't anymore. I open my eyes and look into Alexandra's. She pulls her forehead against mine.

"Was it your first?" she asks me. Did she notice because of my clumsiness? Didn't she like it? She must have regretted it to ask it.

I slowly nod. "Why?"

"Because you don't date and don't go to parties a lot. It's just a guess." She pulls her head away from me and shrugs. "Don't worry, it was okay."

My head is still a little fuzzy and I exhale deeply. I notice I'm breathing weird, probably because of our earlier contact.

"Did you like it?" She asks me. She's fiddling with her nails again, so I can tell she's looking for approval or something. To think of it, she probably doesn't know I'm bisexual, since I never told her.

I nod. "You don't have to feel guilty or something. It's not that I'm straight and never want to kiss girls." I say, looking in her eyes.

"Are you..?" She starts a question, but I cut her off.

"I'm bisexual. And I know that for a long time now. So you don't have to worry." I shrug.

"But you never kissed before. How did you know?" She asks me, frowning a bit.

"Well, it's just that I've had crushes on both boys and girls. It's just that I never acted on them. And I just wanted to wait, until I found someone right to kiss." I break eye-contact as I walk to the floor.

"You regret it?" She asks me. I don't know if I do. It certainly confused me, that's for sure. I mean, it was great and stuff, but I don't know if Alexandra was the girl I wanted to kiss first. Well, if you asked me a few weeks ago, or a few months ago, I would say it was ridiculous. That I didn't want to kiss her for a million bucks. I slowly shake my head. It's true, I guess. Actually, I want to kiss her again. It felt better than I thought it would be. And somehow it felt right.

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That evening I'm getting ready to go to Alyssa. It's friends-night, so we're gonna watch movies and stuff. Just what girls do. I will meet Alyssa at the corner of the street I'm living and we will walk to Diane, another friend of mine. I'm finally ready and I tell Alexandra that I'm gonna be late home that night, and she tells me that's okay, because she's having a party tonight. Ten minutes later I walk to our spot and I wait for Alyssa. I see her approaching and she hugs me when she's near enough. I decide it's maybe better to not tell that Alexandra and I kissed yet and wait till a proper time. When we actually have time to discuss. And I don't want my other friends to know. Maybe it's nothing. Our group of friends isn't big. There are just the five of us. Diane, Stephanie, Marcie, Alyssa and me. We only know each other for a year and a half, but we are very close.

A few hours later we are still watching movies. It's almost one o'clock at night and Ghost is almost finished. On the ground are several empty bottles of liquor and I guess I'm pretty drunk, although I don't perceive it so well. Maybe if I'm walking home in an hour or so. When the movie is done, Diane suggests playing a game. Truth or dare. It's actually pretty lame, but we're drunk, so everything is great right then. The first ones are all truths, and the questions aren't that exciting. Because truth is becoming boring, we decide it's nicer to get a new rule: you can't say truth three times in a row. Diane got the first dare. Alyssa dares Diane to kiss Stephanie. They do, but it's just a quick kiss on the lips.

"Ah, come on, don't you dare kiss her properly?" Alyssa teases, but it's her turn and she's got a dare too. So Diane dares her to kiss me. I look into Alyssa's eyes and nod. She looks a bit suspicious, but leans in to kiss me on the lips, like Diane and Stephanie. But I decide that's not fun enough, so I pull her in for a real kiss. I run my tongue across her lips and she gives me entrance to her mouth. We make out for a couple of minutes, our friends watching is pretty shocked. I think it's rather genius, since I've never seen them so shocked. Maybe that if I weren't so drunk, that I would understand that my behavior right now very wrong is, but that's not the case right now. So I pull away from Alyssa and grin.

"That's how you kiss someone properly." I smirk.

After another hour, I leave Diane's house to go back home. Alyssa walks with me part of the walk.

"Casey.. Tell me. Why did you kiss me? I thought you never kissed someone." She looks at me with narrowed eyes.

"Ehm, yeah well, that was true. But since today.." Alyssa looks shocked at me.

"Did I..?"

"No, no." I say hurried. "Alexandra kissed me. So you were right when you said she had a crush on me. Or something. I don't know if she has." I frown. Alyssa giggles and almost falls into the front yard of someone's house. I grab her arm to steady her, but I'm not sober myself anymore, so we fall in the grass, both giggling like hell right now.

"So, tell me. How was she?" She asks me, with a kind of spark in her eyes. "I mean, I know you were great. I just experienced it myself."

"I don't know. It was clumsy, I guess. At first." I narrow my eyes as I realize she isn't that shocked. "Hey, to think of it, why aren't you that shocked about me kissing Alexandra?"

Alyssa looks like dear caught in the headlights of a car. "Oh, it's just that I never truly believed you hated her, you know. You keep telling yourself you do, but you talk so much about her. And the way you talk about her. It's just that I always had the feeling. I guess I'm just a genius." She nudges my side, grinning.

Neither of us speaks for a while, until I break the silence. "Al.. I don't know what to do."

"Why?"

"I mean.. With Alexandra." I look at the stars, thinking about the kiss Alexandra and I shared that afternoon.

"Go talk to her." She just says. She stands up and extends her hand to help me up too.

When I get home, I go straight to bed. It's little over three o'clock right now. Alexandra isn't home yet, I notice.

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_Alex's POV_

I walk back home. I am actually quite sober, if you compare it with the rest of the party people. I can still walk straight. For the first time in a while, I didn't kiss any guy at the party. I couldn't do it anymore. I just danced and drank a bit, but not too much. Actually, I didn't even like it that much this time. I wanted to talk to Casey. I still want that right now. I want to talk about what happened that afternoon. I was the first one to leave the party, which was pretty weird, since it's already three o'clock in the morning. When I walk into our home, I see that Casey is already in her bedroom, so I decide not to wake her. I walk upstairs to my room and go straight to the bathroom to fresh up a bit and brush my teeth. In the dark, I walk to my bedroom and I turn on the light. I see Casey sleeping on my bed. She slowly opens her eyes, I guess because of the light.

"Please, Alex, turn off." She mumbles, holding her eyes against her eyes. I turn off the lights again and walk to my bed.

"Casey, what are you doing in my bedroom?" I ask her, I frown at her, although I know she can't see.

"What? Damn it, I knew something wasn't right." She says, as I feel the weight on my bed shifting. I hear a soft thud as she falls from my bed.

"What are you doing?" I ask her.

"Finding my way to my room, I guess." She says.

"You're so drunk." I say. "Come on, I'll get you some water."

"No, there's no need." She says. "I'm totally fine." But when she says, she walks to my closet, so I turn on the light again.

"Whoa, Casey. Calm down, sit down." I push her back on my bed and walk away to the bathroom to get her a glass of water. When I get back, she leans with her head to the head of my bed, looking funny. "Here, drink this."

She drinks the glass of water and she seems a little better. "Aaah. Feels better. Thanks Alex."

"Since when do you call me Alex?" I ask her, narrowing my eyes.

"Since Alexandra has way too much syllables." She answers. "Funny word right? Syllables." I frown.

"Casey, I guess it's best if you're going to sleep right now." I suggest, but she won't listen.

"We played truth and dare." She says.

"But you're almost seventeen." I narrow my eyes. What is she gonna tell me?

"Diane and Stephanie kissed. But just on the lips. So they dared us to do better." I freeze. "So we did, but she wasn't as good as you."

"Alyssa?" I ask. Well, we don't have a relationship or something, so she didn't cheat on me. We're nothing. Although, I can't say I'm not jealous. I think I've always been jealous, if it concerned Alyssa.

"Yeah. But don't worry. We're just friends." She says as she lays down on my bed. I decide to just go with it and lay down next to her. I doesn't take long for Casey to fall asleep, but it takes me a little longer.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews again :) Enjoy this one :)**

**By the way, I'm pretty mad at myself (I found out I failed my two exams of last week.. And it was already my second try on both of them XD), so I don't know if that affects the chapter a bit.. So, if it does, be prepared XD**

**It's a small one, because I'm pretty tired (last night, I slept about 2 hours XD). Enjoy it :)**

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_Casey's POV_

Next morning I open my eyes. I have a throbbing pain in my head and I feel nauseous. I look around and see I'm not in my own room, but in Alexandra's. I look at my left and see it's almost three o'clock in the afternoon. Next to the alarm is a glass of water and two aspirins, so I take them. What the hell happened tonight? I can't remember anything. I close my eyes again to go back to what I know. I can remember last night we finished the movie Ghost, but after that, it's all blurry. I stand up and walk downstairs. Alexandra is watching TV. I mumble good morning to her and walk to the kitchen to get some food. Well, I'm not entirely hungry, so just some orange juice will do. I walk back and I sit down in a chair in the living room.

"What happened last night?" I ask Alexandra. She narrows her eyes to see if I really don't know or if I'm just playing with her.

"Why? Don't you remember anything?" She asks me, looking suspiciously. What the hell happened?

"Well, I came home around three in the morning, and I found you in my bed. So I asked what you were doing and you told me you thought something wasn't right." she paused for a while. "And then you mumbled some nonsense and fell asleep."

I frown as I think to remember anything of that, but I can't. My head is still fuzzy, so I just drink from my orange juice. I sit up as I think of something.

"Wait, what? Did I sleep in your bed? Did we..?" I panic.

"You slept in my bed. And no. You just passed out before I could move you back to your own room, so.." Alexandra frowns. "You really don't remember anything? What's the last thing you know?"

I try to remember something more than just finishing the movie, but I can't. I'm still fuzzy. Maybe I just have to wait for the aspirins to kick in. My head is still throbbing, which makes it difficult to think. "Well, watching a movie. But that was around one o'clock. So I've lost two hours of my memory, I guess."

"And you don't remember doing something ridiculous?" She looks at me suspiciously. I think she knows something more. There's something that she's not telling me, and she tried to figure out if I maybe know and I'm not telling her. Well, I don't know, and I hate that, but if she knows, I want to know.

"Alexandra. You know something. Just tell me.. Because I'm a bit confused over here." Now I notice I am standing in front of Alexandra, looking in her eyes with a compulsory glance. She bits on her lip. I want to bite that lip. Wait, what? That must be my fuzziness speaking. There's no other explanation.. Or is there? Well, there is, but that's just ridiculous. There's just no way that I'm attracted to Alexandra Cabot. "Alexandra." I say, to remind her to answer my question. She seems to startle a bit. I suspect she is thinking about whether or not to tell me what she knows. "Come on."

"Alright. Well.." she pauses, fidgeting with her nails again. She really does that a lot, I notice. "You told me you kissed Alyssa."

I am a bit shocked, but honestly I expected worse than that. I think I just thought that I had done weird things with her in bed. And I don't know if that's the worst thing, or that the worst thing would be that I couldn't remember. Well, nothing happened between Alexandra and me. But between Alyssa and me, it did apparently. Although, I don't know it anymore. It can mean either I didn't like it or I lost some memories of yesterday night despite of liking it or not. Note to myself: don't drink so much anymore. Not able to remember stuff is the worst. I want to know why I kissed Alyssa. Was it because we wanted to or was there some other insane reason? I mean, we are really close, but I can't imagine why I kissed her out of the blue. Maybe in the beginning I had liked the idea, but that faded away as time flies by. She's just my best friend, and we don't go further than just hug and a kiss on the cheek. I should call her later to ask. Maybe she knows more of it, if she wasn't that drunk as I was.

"You remember anything of that?" Alexandra asks me, interrupting my thought.

"No. Can't remember anything. I can't remember how I got in your bed." I say. Maybe I should just get some sleep. Although I've gotten enough sleep for the night, I guess. It's just so annoying. I feel a bit disabled or something. I look at Alexandra. She looks like she knows something more, but she doesn't want to say. "Do you know anything more? Because you look like it. Did I say something about it? Did I like it?" I ask her.

_Alex's POV_

"You said something." I pause. If I'm gonna tell her the truth, I want to know what it does to her. "You played truth or dare. Stephanie and Diane kissed. And you and Alyssa." I contemplate if I have to tell her she didn't like it as much as she liked kissing me, but I actually don't want to tell her that, because I don't know if she really meant it, or that she just said it because she was drunk. Although, people almost always tell the truth when they're drunk. If it was really true that she liked kissing me more than kissing Alyssa, I can say I'm pretty flattered. Especially because she likes Alyssa and she dislikes me. But then why she kissed me yesterday? Or let me kiss her? She told me that she didn't mind, but what if she did? She dislikes me. You don't kiss someone you dislike, right? Why am I so hung up on this? Why do I care? I must say, Cabot, you have a lot of questions to ask yourself. I look at Casey. She seems to think about what I told her. She doesn't seem to mind as well as I thought she would. Well, there's nothing wrong with that, right? "Casey.."

She looks up, a bit confused. I wonder why she's confused. Is it because she kissed Alyssa? Probably. You don't always kiss your best friend with tongue. I think she's trying to memorize the thing. It would come back eventually, because I had been through this kind of hangovers before and piece by piece your memory comes back, and in a few hours, maybe days, she will remember what happened. I wonder what she would think if she got her memory back. I walk step by step closer to Casey, although I'm pretty afraid to scare her away. I want to kiss her again, like yesterday. Feel her beautiful lips against mine. Her sweet flavored lips, her soft skin. I want to run my fingers through her hair, raking her scalp with my nails. My mind becomes fuzzy as I think of all those things. I can almost feel her, smell her scent, taste her sweet taste on my tongue. Hell, I am a lesbian. And I'm totally falling for the young redhead in front of me.

_Casey's POV_

Why is she walking to me? And why is she looking at me like that? I narrow my eyes to observe her face. She has the kind of dreamy glance in her eyes, as if she's dreaming. I don't know exactly, but somehow, somewhere I think it's sexy. If I weren't so scary, I probably would have taken a few steps in her direction and kissed her. This physical attraction, I can't explain to myself. Normally I only liked people who were nice and good and smart, but now.. It's just not possible to fall for her, of who she is. I mean, it's not that I hate her, but I don't like her personality. And she doesn't like mine either, because she's trying to change me into something I'm totally not. So this thing.. It has to be physical. This force I don't know about pushes me towards her, and I totally can't control it. It's kind of like when two magnets are close enough to each other. They would just attract to each other. Another thing about the magnets is, is that when you turn it around, it would repel, which was exactly what we are doing all the time. So, we are like two magnets, but is it true that if you turn us the right way, we would attract, or is it just an illusion? Am I only desiring her lips, because yesterday we kissed and I actually liked the kissing, not Alexandra.

I almost am as close enough to Alexandra to actually touch her, but I won't. I let the distance between us hang around for a while, to look what effect it has on us. Maybe I would feel the urge to close the gap between us and just kiss her, or I wouldn't care about the distance and just stand there. Alexandra runs her long fingers across my forehead. I feel the nails rake my skin, and I actually like the feeling. It doesn't hurt. It actually pleases me a little. She knows how to tease. But I have to be strong. I can't give into her right now. She's testing me. She runs the back of her hand across my cheek and I actually lean my head against it as she does. Well, Casey, thanks to your own discretion, she knows what she's doing to you. I have never felt such a thing before. Or at least not as the result of a woman's touch. A few seconds later, the warmth of her hand is gone. I wish she does it again, but I won't ask her. She can't know how much I liked it..


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews :) I'm very happy with them. Enjoy this one ^^ I'm sorry it took a little while to update again, but I was pretty busy last week, so I actually didn't have the time to write a proper chapter (and I'm kind of having a writer's block). So, I'm a bit of a tease in this one and I hope you enjoy it ^^**

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_Casey's POV_

The familiar feeling in my stomach is back. The tension is hanging in the air and my vision becomes fuzzy again. Thing is, I don't think it's the hangover this time. For a moment, I just forget how to breathe. I feel the flush spreading over my face, and I guess Alexandra notices that too. I don't have to verbally ask, she just can see what I'm up to. What I really want. I lick my lips as she takes a step closer to me, gently placing her hand on my hip, looking at it. She trails up her gaze at my eyes, as if she wants to ask me for permission, but I guess she already knows the answer. I need her lips on mine. My lips are almost burning from desire. Some magnetic force pulls me into her and I close my eyes as I kiss her lips. She tucks her fingers into my pants and pulls me closer, placing her hand on my back. Our tongues meet again, and I can say it's the best feeling I've had in a long time. I try to fight for dominance, but I'm just not as skilled as Alexandra is. With slight force, she pushes me on the couch and straddles my lap. God, I love the way she touches me. How she runs her hand up my back, tangling her fingers in my hair, softly raking her nails across my scalp. I guess this is what love drunk is like.

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It's the night before my seventeenth birthday. It's been a few months since Alexandra and I first kissed. We are still messing around with each other. I call it that way, because I don't know what else to call it. We haven't dated yet, but we cuddle and kiss. And sometimes I sleep in her bed and snuggle into her. People might call it a relationship, but I don't know what it is. People don't know about us, only Alyssa. At school we pretend we don't like each other. I guess that's just because Alexandra is ashamed of me. And I can't talk to her like I talk to Alyssa. By the way, about Alyssa, we talked about the kiss. It was just a one-time thing. We don't have feelings for each other. Brings me back to Alexandra. I still don't know if I have feelings for her. Well, I guess I have them, otherwise I wouldn't be kissing and hugging and stuff, but still. She's changed over the last year, since our parents died. I can tell that, but I don't know why she changed. It was so damn important to her that I became her. I don't know why that's changed. Sometimes she tells me she's in love with me, but when she does, she's asleep. I guess she's too afraid to admit it herself, unconscious.

She hasn't told her friends about us. She hasn't told them that she found out she's a lesbian either. I guess that's a bit weird, but I guess I just can't imagine it, because I have other kind of friends. A year ago I would have said 'better friends', but now I just think it. She hasn't told her best friend Cheryl either. I wonder if she's as much of a friend to Alexandra as Alyssa is to me. I told Alyssa what we were doing, but I didn't tell the other ones. I don't know if Alexandra wants to tell other people, so I just keep my mouth shut. Alyssa won't spoil a secret, so Alexandra's secret is safe with her. Well, tomorrow I'm having my birthday. I don't care so much about my birthday, but other people do, so I'll just go with it. There's also a party, but I only invited my four friends. I don't like weird people in my house, especially when I don't like them, so.. I'll just keep it between my friends that actually do matter.

I look up at the clock. I see it's almost midnight. Just five minutes left as a sixteen-year old. I'm sitting on the couch and Alexandra is wherever she is in the house. I don't know. About half an hour ago she told me she had to take care of something, so I just let her. Ooh, just one minute left. I hear some thumping downstairs and few moments later Alexandra walks down the stairs.

"It's almost your birthday." Alexandra smirks. "In a few seconds."

We both don't care so much about birthdays. I don't, because it makes me think of my parents, especially my dad. When I was just little, he spoiled me on my birthday, like dads do. Those days were my best days back then. I don't know why Alexandra doesn't like birthdays. I would think she liked them, because that means party-time, but she doesn't. Maybe she just likes regular parties.

"Congratulations!" She says and she kisses me on my lips. I grin. "I got you something." and she gives me a wrapped up little box.

"Thanks." I say as I look at the box. I unwrap the box and open it. There's a beautiful necklace in it. It's just a simple one, but it's nice. It's my taste, so I'm glad with it. I ask her to help me with the clasp and she stands behind me to put it on to me. She lets me look at it in the mirror and when I look, she stands behind me and wraps her arms around my waist. I lean in to kiss her nose, to thank her again. "Hmm." I moan slightly as I enjoy the warmth at my back.

"What?" Alexandra asks me, looking a bit naughty. I like is when she does that. I don't know, but it just turns me on.

"Nothing. I just thought you would give me something else. Or actually, I would give you something." I look into her eyes to see if she knows what I mean. I was talking about my virginity. It's not that I want to lose it desperately, it's just that I think I'm ready for it and Alexandra and I are doing well enough. I'm in love with her, so that's what counts, right?

"Oh, what's that?" She asks me with the same kind of spark in her eyes as minutes before. I can see it in the reflection of the mirror. She bites my ear and I feel a knot growing in my stomach. I want it to be untied by the blonde behind me. Suddenly I feel a hand running across my stomach. It's Alexandra. Her hands are moving over my body as I can look at them. It's actually kind of hot.

"Are you sure you want this?" Alexandra whispers in my ear. Her hot breath causes my skin to tingle and my power to focus reduces a little more. I can't think straight anymore. Am I sure I want this? But if I didn't want this, I wouldn't be so turned on, right?

"Do you want this?" I ask her, looking right into her eyes. I want to know if she really wants it. I mean, I don't even know if she's a virgin. I'm pretty sure she never had sex with a girl before, but I'm not sure if she did have sex with a guy. She's eighteen, so it's possible. And she kissed a lot of them. She narrows her eyes a bit.

"Of course." She nods. "But I don't want to, if you're not ready. I can wait, you know. But don't bother about me. It's about you." She whispers. I look in her eye and bite on my lip. I don't know for sure if I may ask her if she's done anything earlier.

"Did you..?" I ask, looking questioning to her. I bite a little harder on my lip, till it hurts. She turns me around and looks me in the eyes, while she runs her finger across my bottom lip, carefully pulling my lip out of the grip of my teeth.

"Don't do that.." She breathes. "That hurts.." She sighs. "And haven't had sex with a girl before, so this is totally breaking fresh ground for me too. I did have sex with a guy once, but.. I eh.." She flushes bright red.

"What?" I ask her when she doesn't finish her sentence.

"I didn't like it." She sighs. "At all. I mean, he tried and stuff. And I trusted him.. And I thought I was in love with him. But I kind of discovered I.. eh.. Don't like to have sex with men."

"When did this happen?" I ask her, frowning a bit, because I don't quite understand.

"Before we met. And I just thought it would be better if I had found my Mr. Right, you know? I never thought I.. was a lesbian." She sighs. "Or maybe I knew, but I didn't want to admit that to myself. But with you.. I don't know." She cups my cheek with her hand and runs her thumb across my cheekbone. "You make me a better person."

I smile. "Thanks for the compliment." I kiss her lips.

"Casey?"

"Hmm?"

"I think I love you." She breathes. It's a good thing that I'm almost nose-to-nose, because otherwise I guess I wouldn't have heard her. I'm about to open my mouth, when she lays her finger on my lips. "Shh. Don't say it if you're not ready to say it. I only want to hear it if you mean it." She whispers, so I just smile at her awkwardly. "It's okay." She reassures me. I relax a little. I mean, I think I'm in love with her and stuff, and I really like what we're doing. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to tell her I love her. I don't know if I do. Then again, I'm just seventeen years old, so I guess I don't have to know yet.

"Alex?" I ask the blond, for the first time not calling her Alexandra. She looks up surprised.

"Since when you don't call me Alexandra?" She frowns, but she also smiles, so I guess she thinks it's a good thing.

"Alex is shorter. And I think it sounds nicer. And cuter. And sexier. Don't know. I just like it." I grin.

"But.. what did you want to ask me?" She tilts her head a little.

"Well. I wanted to ask.." I hesitate a little. I don't know if I want to know. "Do you regret sleeping with that guy?"

She seems to be thinking about that one. I guess she never asked herself that question. "I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. On the one hand, I now know I don't like men that way. On the other hand, I wish I had waited. But then again, I thought I was in love with the guy. Maybe I was just naive." She sighs and looks worried.

"I'm sorry I asked." I say. I feel a little guilty about asking. Maybe I caused her to get into some troubles right now. I don't know. I thought it couldn't harm, but I'm not so sure about that.

"No, it's okay. I can handle it, I guess. It's just that.. I don't know. Maybe it would have been greater if I had just saved myself for the real one." She is chewing her cheek, I can tell.

"Alex. Please, stop bothering yourself. It happened. You can't rewind the time." I grab her hand and squeeze it. "Some things happen for a reason. So you can learn from them. And I'm pretty sure you learned from it."

"You're right. I don't know why suddenly it's bothering me so much. It's just that I never thought about it. It's just that.. I think it actually didn't count.. Well, it was sex, but I don't know.. It didn't feel well. And I had to fake an orgasm for the guy's ego, because it was his first time too. And I.. I didn't want to lie, but I did. So I broke up with him as soon as I could." She inhales very deep. "I'm a mess. And I screwed up so much. And I'm a liar. And I was unfair to you."

"But now you're not anymore." I say. "I think I've forgiven you."

"You've really grown up, you know. I mean.. Your parents would have been so proud of you. I am proud of you." She smiles, but I can see she's hurt. I can see it in her eyes. They're full of sorrow. I'm not sure I understand why she is hurt. I mean, I can imagine why she's hurt.. but I have the feeling there's more she isn't telling me. But I decide not to ask. Maybe she doesn't want to tell me. If she wanted to, she would have told me.

"I miss them." I say. I think of my dad. Would he have been proud of me? Seeing me like this? Would he approve of me being bisexual? Having a relationship with a girl? I don't know. It's not a thing we talked about when he was still alive. I was just seven years old when he died. I kind of know he wasn't homophobic, but I never really asked him if he was. Maybe I don't know. I wasn't really fascinated by that kind of stuff. I was more fascinated by cookies and movies and other stuff kids worry about. Sometimes I wish I could just talk to my father for a while. To ask him what he thinks about stuff. Or helps me with problems. Or just take me into his lap and soothes me. Being a father. I really missed that. I still miss that. And I miss and love my mom too, but it's just that she's not my dad.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I'm sorry it takes so long for me to update every time, but it's just that when I have vacation, I seem to be rather bored than to do stuff I like XD Weird meeee.. Well, thanks for the reviews, as usual :) Keep reviewing, makes me feel great ^^ You people make my day. When I update right before I go to sleep, and I read them in the morning, I just feel good. ^^ I hope you enjoy this one (I hope this one makes some things clear) :)**

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_Alex's POV_

"Alex?" Casey asks me again after a long time of silence. I am staring at the ground, so I look up into her eyes.

"What's up, Casey?" I ask her, looking into her eyes to see what's going on. She seems a little upset, but I guess that's just because we were talking about her parents just moments ago. I was thinking about them too. It's really hard living a life without them when you're so young. You should be running a household at that age. You should be partying and studying and just not worry about that kind of stuff. Now I try to do both. Sometimes, like now, I wonder if they would be proud of me. Or maybe they wouldn't be, just because I'm a lesbian. Well, I'm not a lesbian in the eyes of the rest of the world, because nobody but Casey and me, and I guess Alyssa, knows, but still. It would have been nice to know what they would think of it. Unfortunately, I can't ask them anymore.

"I, eh." She starts, but she seems to be hesitating. I look her in the eyes, and stroke my thumb across her hand to reassure her it's okay to say whatever she has to say. "I wonder why we aren't in a relationship." She says, suddenly looking at the ground, as if there's something really interesting going on between the wooden floor and the carpet laying on it.

"We are in a relationship. We both haven't confirmed it yet." I say. It feels like that way. We sleep in each other's beds, and we live together. We are intimate and tell each other stuff. I guess that sounds like a relationship to me. I just haven't asked her to be my girlfriend, because I think it's useless, since we're not gonna tell the rest of the world we're together. It has to be a secret.

"But.. You haven't asked me.. And other way round I haven't asked you.. To be girlfriends.. Right?" Casey stumbles. She really seems nervous about this. I squeeze her hand.

"We don't have to. But if it's important to you, I want to ask you to be my girlfriend. I just thought we already were." I say to her, forcing her to look into my eyes. I don't want her to be interested in the wooden floor and the carpet.

"Well, I guess it's just useless. Because nobody's ever gonna know about us being together, right? Your best friend doesn't even know. Hell, she doesn't even know you're gay. Everything has to be a secret with you." She tells me. She's still calm, which surprises me, because she can be very heated in the kind of discussions. Which surprises me even more, is that I'm really calm. Maybe it's just because she's saying legitimate things. I thought about this. I know what's it. I don't want people to think bad of me. To look down on me. To have no friends. I've been there, and I never want to be that way anymore again. "Alex, what's going on? You look very pale." She cups my cheek with her hand, stroking her thumb across my cheekbone. I like it when she does that.

"Did I tell you how my mother died?" I ask her, looking at the same wooden floor and the carpet as moments before. They really are interesting. Casey shakes her head to indicate the negative. "Well.. I was twelve years old. And my parents were having trouble with their relationship. My mother always has been a very depressed person. Thing is that she couldn't talk about it, because she was a very secretive person. So we really didn't know she was that depressed. She never told us and she never told us what bothered her. We couldn't help her. This cold evening at fall, my father came home late, and walked into their bedroom.. She wasn't even cold yet. There was an empty bottle of sleeping pills on the nightstand, along with a letter, explaining us how stuck she was in her own world of depressions. My father couldn't talk about it. I couldn't talk about it. I just locked myself up in my own world, just walking around like ghost. The friends I had, didn't want me anymore.. and others didn't want everything to do with me.. So I was lonely, had no friends. I always sat in the back of the glass, like I didn't exist."

"Wow, Alex. You never told me your mother killed herself.. I'm so sorry." Casey whispers. I can tell she's not sure what she should do, if she should hug me, comfort me, or just leave me alone. I think I just don't want to be touched right now.

"No, I can't talk about it. There are only a few who know about it. I'm sorry I never told you. It's just too painful." I bite my lip, almost literally biting away my tears. I don't want to cry. I just don't want to look like I'm weak. I'm strong. I'm a strong woman. I can't cry. A teardrop escapes my eyes and rolls down my cheek. I close my eyes as I feel Casey's finger on my cheek to wipe it away.

"Alex.. It's okay to cry." She whispers. She still doesn't take me in her arms, and I'm glad she doesn't. If she does, I'm just gonna cry and never stop. I shake my head.

"I don't want to cry. It's the past. It's useless to cry over the past. It happened and you can't rewind the time. I can't stop her from doing it." I keep my eyes closed as I keep shaking my head, as if I want to cast away my feelings, my tendency to cry. "How many times I dreamed about being able to stop her. To help her. To take away her problems. Maybe she'd still be alive."

"Alex.. It's not your fault. She didn't kill herself because of you. I bet she didn't before, because of you." She finally wraps her arms around me and pull me into a hug. She strokes soothing circles on my back to calm me down. Until then, I haven't realized I've been crying. It's been a really long time since I actually cried. I mean, I cried when my father died and at his funeral.. But I haven't cried about other things for a really long time. I can't even remember when the last time was that I cried. I've almost forgotten how it felt. This time, it feels like a relief. Like there was a ticking time-bomb inside of me that needed to explode, but couldn't, just because I didn't let it. And now it has exploded. Casey finally broke through my wall.

We sit there for a while like that, until I stop crying. My eyes are sore. I've almost forgotten what that feels like, but I remember again.

"Can I ask you something?" Casey asks me carefully. I slowly nod. "Well.. what happened next? Because you were this girl at school, totally ignored and vulnerable.. And now you're the opposite. What happened?"

"I turned just fourteen.. It was right before freshman year on high school when we moved away from where we lived, so I attended another school with another people who didn't know me. So I could start with a clean slate again." I bite my cheek. "I decided I didn't want to be that girl anymore, so I changed my clothes into what I thought was what popular girls wear and I behaved like popular. So I became popular."

"And you couldn't be yourself anymore." She adds. I nod. I hesitate a little, before saying those words.

"But I don't know who I am, Casey." I shake my head as my eyes are closed. "I guess I just played my role as popular girl so well, that I lost track of the real Alexandra Cabot and forgot who I really was." I sigh. "When I met you.. just parts of me came back. I guess that made me fall for you. You look like me, when I was about twelve years old. No offence."

"I don't take it as an offence. It doesn't say anything about me, but about you." She smiles weakly at me to reassure me that it's okay to say such things. We sit in silence for a little longer, when I realize it's almost three o'clock.

"Case.. It's almost three o'clock. We should go to sleep. Tomorrow it's Thursday, so we have to go to school." I suggest. I suddenly realize I'm pretty tired. Partly, because of all the talking. I told Casey more than I told anybody else. It was an eyeopener.

"Sounds like a good idea to me." Casey says as she tries to hold back a yawn, but miserably fails at the attempt. "Can I sleep in your bed?"

I grin as I nod. "Of course. I would love to."

"Alex?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm glad you talked to me about everything you just told me. I really am." She says while she looks me deeply in the eyes, as only Casey can do, and she strokes my arm with the tips of her fingers. "I hope you don't regret it."

"I don't regret it. I trust you." I smile weakly, not sure if I'm ever gonna regret everything I told her. I mean, it feels like a relief to finally tell someone about it, because nobody knows, but you don't know what people do with this kind of information. You don't know who you can trust. Maybe that's one of my biggest problems. I don't know who to trust. But I have the feeling I can trust Casey.

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_Casey's POV_

It's Friday night and my friends just left my house. It's past two o'clock and I start to clean up the mess. A few minutes later, Alex enters the room to help me with the mess. She asks me if it was a great party and I tell her it was. When my friends are over, it's always cozy and fun and stuff, so.. I like parties, as long as it's our parties, with just the five of us. But actually, I didn't quite enjoy it today, because I'm a little distracted. It's weekend right now, and we have free time for two days.. And I want to spend my time with Alex. In bed. If you know what I mean. I don't hesitate anymore, because I know Alex a little better and I understand better how she feels right now. I never understood before, but now I do. I'm really glad she told me, because now I know she really trusts me. It's more than just words, like before. I can trust her.

Over the past couple of weeks, I can tell I've fallen for her. I don't know why, because it did just happen. I just can't say it's only physical anymore. At least, I think it's not. I can't be only physical, I think. I have to feel something. Maybe I discovered last Wednesday that I actually feel something about her. But I don't know if that's because she trusted me, or because I really like her. What's different about her? She didn't change, right? She haven't told her friends about her being lesbian and stuff. She didn't tell them she's got a relationship. I don't know, it seems odd. I understand why she doesn't tell them, but she knows herself why she doesn't tell them. You would think someone would get over such a thing and just tells them what needs to be told. But I guess I'm just wrong about that. Well, something's changed. Maybe it's just the point of view that's changed. I know her reasons. She opened up to me, and cried. I comforted her. I think that does something with a human being.

Maybe that changed something. She showed me she's got a vulnerable side. A darker side. A side of her, that's really her, not just a part in a play. The most important part, when it comes to yourself, performing in the play, that's called life. You can't just act to be somebody you're not. You can't just act the one you want to be, instead of the person you really are. There are two main reasons why you shouldn't be playing someone else. First of all, you're running away from the real you. If people judge, you at least know they judge about someone you're not, so that's less awful. Second of all, you can be the person you really want to be. The person you envy. The person you adore and worship. But then again, people like the person you're not, which makes it more awful if they actually like you, since they like the person you're not. So, whichever way you look at it, it's a bad thing to pretend to be somebody you're not. You shouldn't be running away from your problems, but face and fight your demons instead.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thanks again for the reviews ^^ I'm sorry it took so long to update this story. I just couldn't get it right.. So, I don't know if it's right now, but I hope so. (I have a major writer's block, so tell me if there's something wrong with this chapter. It took me a week to write this one, lol..) Try to enjoy this one!**

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_Casey's POV_

Until now I haven't realized I'm sitting on the couch, as Alex flops down next to me. Apparently, I must have looked like I was thinking really hard, because Alex asks me about it. I just fidget with my nails. I guess it's a think I've taken over from Alex. It appears that it's possible you copy behavior from the people you love. Well, maybe this is a sign I love Alex. I don't know for sure. Okay, maybe I do, but it's hard to admit that to myself, because there are a lot of things about Alex that I don't like. For example, that she totally pretends to be someone else. Although, with me, she's different. She is herself. Well, I guess she is. Alex waves her hand in front of my eyes.

"Hello? Are you there?" Alex asks me, looking into my eyes as if I am sick or something.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Just drifting off into my thoughts." I mumble, while I look back into her eyes. I never tell her, but she's got beautiful blue eyes. If she does it right, she looks right into my soul. Doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes she does. Those are the moments I'm almost sure I'm in love with her. I think that's the thing that I love about her the most. Her eyes. Because her eyes tell me the truth. Mostly, I can tell from one look in her eyes if she's sincere.

"Alex.. what do you like most about me?" I ask her, titling my head slightly. She seems to be thinking about that question. I don't know if she has trouble finding something she likes about me, or if she's weighing off which this she likes the most.

"Well.." She pauses for an instant, shifting a little, to face me better, placing her hand on my thigh, rubbing small circles with her thumb. "There's not just one thing about you that I love.. you know." She looks at her hand, still stroking my leg. "For example.." She pauses while she looks up into my eyes. "I love how you make me a better person.. and how you always remain yourself.. No matter what other people think about you.. I love how committed and loyal you are.. And you have a strong opinion about things.." She pauses again, while I place my hand on hers and move it to my face, cupping my face with her hand, stroking the back of her hand with my fingers. "Then.. I think you're really pretty.. You have to most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Seriously, I can drown in them if I want to. And your hair.." She brushes her hand through my hair, softly raking my scalp with her nails. "I think I have a thing for redheads.."

I smile at her as I close my eyes to enjoy the feeling of her hand in my hair. The familiar feeling in my stomach is back. I'm starting to get used to that feeling.. I want to act on that feeling. I slowly open my eyes, a little languid of the touching and I bring my hand to Alex's face. I stroke my finger across her lips, slowly leaning in to kiss her lips, closing my eyes again. I try to express myself through that kiss. To show her that I want to give myself to her.. Moments later she pulls out of the kiss, leaning her forehead against mine, looking deeply into my eyes, as if she wants to ask me if I'm okay with all of this.

"I'm ready." I slowly whisper. Her eyes dilate in a response to my words.

"Are you sure?" She asks me. She gives me this kind of look, I don't know how to describe it. As if she wants to know for sure that I'm in the right mind and thought this through. I slowly nod. "Let's go upstairs." She whispers, lacing her fingers between mine. Next thing I know, I sit of the edge of Alex's bed. Alex turns off the light and lights some candles. I'm a bit nervous, but besides that, I'm okay, I guess. She sits down next to me.

"I want you to tell me if you're not okay anymore, okay?" Alex tells me, making sure I understand what she means by softly squeezing my knee and looking deeply into my eyes. I nod to indicate that I understand what she's saying. Some people might say this is very awkward and stuff, but I'm actually pretty glad she asks me if I'm okay and talks me through the hole thing, because I'm more nervous than I would ever admit to someone, and I think it's comforting that she cares about my experience in this, and she doesn't want me to get hurt or something.

Then I feel that it's the right moment. The right moment to tell her. "Alex?"

"Yes?" She looks a bit worried, I can tell. She narrows her eyes a bit, but it's just a fraction of an inch, so it's barely noticeable. I think she thinks that I'm about to back out or something, but that's not the thing I want to tell her.

"I think I'm in love with you.." I tell her, looking up into her big beautiful blue eyes, into her soul. She grimaces, looking very happy with my confession.

"I'm in love with you too, Casey." She tells me, smiling right now. I think I never saw her smiling like that before. It's a smile that reaches her eyes. Actually, it reaches her hole body. Her hole appearance radiates happiness. She's never been so beautiful, sexy and pretty before. She's always holding back something, as if she's a tiger in a cage that needs to be a cute kitten. The power of just one simple phrase could be astonishing. I never experienced this kind of thing, and it makes me feel so fluffy inside. But I'm also proud I finally broke through the walls around her. I just want to hug Alex and never let her go. It's just a feeling I can't fight anymore.

_Alex's POV_

I'm still looking into Casey's eyes. Those green eyes. I could look in them all day if I wanted to, and like I said just minutes before, I would drown in them if that was possible. She had that look on her face.. I almost can't hold myself, but I try to control myself, because I don't want to scare that pretty redhead away. Then again, her lips crash over mine as I close my eyes, and I allow her entrance to my mouth. She runs one of her hands through my hair, for the first time, trying to take control over the attack. She succeeds. I'm kind of flabbergasted, so it takes a short moment, to realize she'd already unclasped my bra. Slowly, she peels off almost all of my clothes, except of my knickers, while I do the same to her clothes. I softly push her down the mattress. She looks into my eyes, as if she wants to tell me she doesn't really know what to do. I carefully lay myself on her and kiss her chastely. She deepens the kiss by licking and sucking my lower lip, running her hands up my sides, softly cupping my breasts.

"You'll be okay." I whisper in her ear. "Just tell me if I have to stop." I add, as I run my hands over her body. She nods. I think I'm completely sure that I'm a lesbian, because this feels so much better than touching a man. A woman is so much softer and more delicate and, hell.. I'm surprised I can think clearly right now. Once again, I capture her lips with mine, while I run one hand through her hair. When I pull away from the kiss, Casey places her hands on both of the sides of my face.

"Alex.." She whispers, looking deeply into my eyes. "I trust you.." I feel warm inside as she says that.

"I love you." I whisper, and I kiss her neck. I shift a little to her side, leaning on my leg, to grant myself better access to the nervous redhead. I pull my leg a little up, to put some pressure on her crotch. Casey flushes a little, as a reaction to the sudden sensation between her legs. She lays her hands on my back, softly raking her nails across my skin. I run my fingertips across her skin, tracing off to her breasts, softly pinching her nipples. The redhead flushes a little more because of the touch. I trail my fingertips to her stomach, circling around her navel, and moving to the hem of her knickers. I run my fingertip across the hem, and I sense her goosebumps. The muscles in her stomach tighten, responding to the sensation on her skin. She arches her back a little, but just a slight part of an inch. I kiss her neck again, trailing off to her earlobe, taking it between my teeth, running the tip of my tongue across it.

I leave a trail of wet kisses across her body, from her earlobe, to her collarbone, to her chest, and so her breasts, going further to her navel, and finally slowing down in her most intimate zone. I run my tongue across the hem of her knickers. I feel her breathing change with every touch, every sucking and licking.. I sense she has a hard time breathing right now, and she bucks her hips a little. I run my hands up her inner thighs, teasing her a little, before sliding up to the hem of her knickers again, hooking my fingers behind them, softly pulling the last piece of clothing off.

I lay down next to her, kissing her lips. Her eyes are closed, probably to focus on her breathing a little more, and she smiles at the sudden peck on her lips, or at least, how much you can call it a smile. She seems really aroused.

"Alex.." She pants. I kind of grin internally, because I got her this way. "Please.. It almost hurts.." She pants.

"Don't worry, honey.. I'm gonna release you. Ready?" She nods, so I kiss her lips again, adjusting myself back next to her and slowly running my hand across her body, to the place she really needs me to be right now. I carefully slide my fingers between her slick folds, feeling the wetness I created. I feel the muscles in Casey's body tighten a little more, as far as possible. I softly run my finger across her clit, trailing off downwards, dipping my fingers inside her. She presses her pubic bone against my hand, so I take that as an invitation to enter her with two fingers, and massage her clit with my thumb. I watch Casey's face as her breathing becomes more ragged and shallow as I increase my pace. It's just moments later when I feel her muscles tighten around my fingers and she just stops breathing for a while. When she's done, I lay down next to her, kissing her lips. She slowly opens her eyes and looks into my eyes.

"Hmm.." She moans. "For someone with little experience, you did really well." She whispers, her voice husky from exhaustion. I stroke a strand of hair behind her air, as I kiss her lips again. Those beautiful, full lips. I count the freckles on her face, but there's just too many. I've never seen her so relaxed like right now. She pulls me to her, wrapping her arms around me. I lay my head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat. Little by little, I hear her heartbeat steadying at a normal rate.

"No regrets?" I ask her, already knowing the answer, but just wanting to ask.

"No." I can feel her shaking her head. "It was good to me.. and you're just.. amazing." I smile. "You're pleased by yourself, Cabot?" She asks me, chuckling a bit.

"I don't know where you're talking about, Novak." I tell her, trying to sound a bit offended, but I just know she knows me better than that.

"Oh, I think you do know damn well what I'm talking about." She points out. I don't see it, but I can hear she's smiling like crazy right now.

"Well, I just think you're really happy with me, and not yet realizing how much." I grin again.

"Who says I don't realize it?" She sounds cocky. "I mean.. there _is_ a beautiful hot blonde lying next to me, who saw more of me than everybody has ever seen.. And made me feel like no one ever made me feel.. So I guess I'm pretty happy.. But I don't know, maybe I have to leave it up to you to decide that."

"Well.." I start. "I think you're damn right. And enjoy that moment, because I'm not gonna say you're right for so many times more." I grin. "You love me because I'm just fucking adorable." Casey chuckles in response. "What?" I ask her, trying to sound surprised. "Ain't I?"

"What if I told you, you _are_ adorable, but just not if you say it yourself? Sounds pretty weird, you.. Blonde." She's still trying to sound cocky, but I can hear her trying to hold back laughter. "I mean.. If I say it, it sounds cute.. But if you say it, it just sounds like you're a narcissist."

"I am not!" I say, a little indignant, but before I can say something more, Casey places her hand on my mouth to shut me up, laughing like a little schoolgirl. Well, she is a 'little' schoolgirl, so that might explain something.

"You take it far too seriously, Alex." She teases me, so I pout my lips, when I realize her hand is still on my mouth. I lick her hand, to get it off.

"Ew, Alex!" She exclaims. "That's gross!"

"Says the woman who just got spit on her whole body." I say cocky, looking far too happy with my comment.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thanks for liking last chapter ^^ I really appreciate you, people ^^ You have no idea. You all get a virtual hug from me ^^ Enjoy this one.**

**By the way, in one day I'm gonna leave the country for three weeks, so I'm probably not able to write those weeks. So this will probably the last one (or maybe tomorrow), until I get home. I'm sorry people ^^**

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_Casey's POV_

It's been a few weeks since Alex and I slept together, and we're doing great. Well, Alex still hasn't told any of her friends, and doesn't want other people to know that we're kind of in a relationship, but so far, we're doing great. I kind of understand why she doesn't want to tell people, but I just want to ask her if she's gonna tell the world one day she's a lesbian, since she told me she's pretty sure she is.

"Alex?" I ask, over breakfast in the morning. I can see she's in a bad mood, but I want to ask her anyway.

"Yeah?" She asks, looking up from today's paper.

"Ehm.. Are you ever gonna tell people about us? Or about you being lesbian in general?" She cocks her eyebrow, as if she has to think about it. Well, I'm pretty sure she's thinking about it more than only now, since I can imagine that's the thing you worry about when you discover you're lesbian. But hell, how can I know, I'm not a lesbian. I'm bisexual. That doesn't make so much difference, does it? I'm dating girls too, only I have to opportunity to date guys and like it.

"About that.. I don't want to tell people, until I leave high school and go into college.." She hesitates a little as she speaks, as if she doesn't want to disappoint me. She probably cocked her eyebrow moments ago, not to think about the matter, but to contemplate whether or not to tell me. "Are you mad at me?" Alex asks me after I've been silent for a while.

"I don't know, Alex." I sigh. "I mean.. I get the feeling you're ashamed of me or something. Image isn't everything, you know? People have to like the real Alex, otherwise they're not worth it. And the fact that you don't dare to tell your friends about it.. It just worries me, okay? You're not happy this way, even though you say you are. I can see it in your eyes. You're so worried what people think about you. You shouldn't be worried. I mean, people are mean, I know that. And I know you're scared that your friends don't want you anymore, or are disgusted or something, but if they are, they don't deserve you. You're much better than that."

Alex fidgets with her nails again, avoiding my gaze. I really hate it when she does that, but it also means that she's thinking about what I said. I hope she just does something with it.. Or at least contemplate telling her friends. When she tells them, it might be easier to tell other people, who don't matter that much anyway. But I can tell that she won't. She's just to stubborn. I decide to just drop the case, because I don't want to fight over this again. Besides, she's probably on her period right now, which gives her a short temper, and I don't want to get her mad.

"Anyway.." I continue the conversation, breaking the silence that took over the whole kitchen. "I'm gonna be at Diane's in an hour or so, so I'm gonna change my clothes and stuff.." Alex just nods and continues to read the paper.

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I'm sitting on the floor, leaning to the closet of Diane's bedroom, Alyssa is sitting next to me, Diane and Stephanie are sitting on her bed and Marcie is sitting on the chair. I'm tired, because I got just a little sleep last night. I lay my head on Alyssa's shoulder and she's fiddling with my hair. My eyelids become so heavy, that I'm barely able to keep them open. I decide to just close them for a while.

_I'm lying on my bed. It's dark. Someone enters my room. A lean and tall woman walks to my bed and sits on the edge of it, only a few inches away from me. I reach for her face and run my fingertips across her cheekbones, trailing off to her jaw, slowly cupping her cheek. She leans her head in my hand, softly stroking her face against my hand. I enjoy the soft skin on my hand. She leans in to kiss my lips, so tender and delicate that I almost melt.._

"Casey.. Casey.." Alyssa softly strokes my arm. I realize I'm still lying on Alyssa's shoulder. I rub my eyes to wake myself a little. "Whoa, you were dreaming, right?"

"What did I do?" I ask her, a little confused. I'm warm, I can feel, so I must be blushing like hell by now.

"You eh.." Alyssa starts, looking at my other friends, who look a little confused too, but there's also another emotion in their eyes, I can't put a finger on.. "Moaned." Alyssa finishes her sentence. Well, at least I know how they look right now. The word I'm looking for is embarrassed. And that, while I should be the one embarrassed right now. And I am. I don't know what to say, so I just don't say anything, and leave the room in an awkward silence. There's moments you call them awkward, but they're not really awkward, but this time.. It's an awkward silence. I look at Alyssa, and see she understand what I dreamed about. She understands it was about Alex.

"So.." Marcie cuts through the tension. "Who is it? Who's the lucky guy you're dreaming about?" She grins a little, to cover up her embarrassment, I guess. Or maybe she's just not embarrassed, I can't tell. Helping my a little more, I turn just a shade darker red than I already was.

"Well.." I hesitate. They won't ever tell other people. We're a close gang, as I call it. But Alex doesn't want people to know. "I'm seeing this girl.. and you know her.." I start, still contemplating whether or not to tell them it's my stepsister I'm dating. "It's Alex."

I can't tell I wouldn't expect them to be surprised, but seriously, they're shocked.

"I thought you hated her?" Marcie asks, frowning a little, as if she thinks I'm just kidding or something.

"Well.. at first I did.. kind of.. dislike her. But she turns out to be a different person." I bite my lip. I expected that question. I mean, I still don't understand myself how I fell for Alex. And let her give my first kiss.. And take my virginity. I just don't understand it myself, so how could I possibly explain other people? I think Alyssa sees how difficult this is for me, because she intervenes.

"I know you don't like Alexandra and you think Casey doesn't, but she's chosen her, and we know Casey wouldn't date her without a reason. I mean, I heard these stories about how Alexandra treats Casey, and that doesn't sound like the Alexandra Cabot we know. She truly sounds like someone who really cares about Casey and wants what's best for her." Alyssa says, looking at the three other friends, who are a bit shocked of the sudden attack. Well, attack, but for the lack of a different word.. I just call it attack. I would call it rather defense, because Alyssa is defending me this way. I just didn't know she liked Alex. Well, she probably doesn't, but I'm grateful she talks about her this way. It makes me feel warm inside. I have the greatest best friend in the world.

"So.. how is she?" Diane asks, smiling. She genuinely seems interested. I consider Diane my second best friend, but she's Stephanie's best friend and other way round. Marcie is the outsider of our gang. Well, you can't talk about outsider really, but if you have to give it a word.. I can't get along that well with Marcie as the other's, but it's okay. It's just that we have a lot of differences of opinions.

"Well, like Alyssa said.. she's pretty different. She really takes care of me.." I say, but I don't know if I have to tell them the whole story about Alex's need for a good image. I think of that as betrayal. Of course, I've told Alyssa, but aside Alyssa, I don't want people to know. It's something Alex-y.

"Did you..? You know.. slept together?" Stephanie put an oar in. I turn brightly red again, but don't say anything. I mean, we talk about this kind of things, but when it comes to the subject, I really want to sink through the floor. I think I'm just a little embarrassed about my sexuality or something. I mean, they know that I'm bisexual and stuff, and they like the people I'm attracted to, but talking about sex? It's never been my favorite topic in a conversation. "I take that as a yes." Stephanie continues. "Was it.. good? Was she gentle? Or was it a total disaster?"

"Guys, I really don't want to talk about it. It was great, alright? I'm not comfortable talking about it." I say, stuttering and having a hard time to find the right words. Alyssa looks into my eyes. She feels sorry for me, I can tell. She strokes a strand of hair behind my ear, and I consider hugging her, but I just don't. "I'm sorry, I have to go to the bathroom." I really shouldn't do that, but I just need some time alone. I run the water, holding my hands in the stream of water. I cool down my face as I stroke my hands across my face. Seconds later, I hear a knock on the door. I open it, and it turns out to be Alyssa.

"Hey, are you okay, Case?" She asks me, looking in my eyes and stroking my arm. I invite her in the bathroom.

"I guess.. I just.. I didn't want to talk about it.. And I sure as hell didn't want to tell them I gave my virginity to Alex.." I bite my lip again. "I mean, it's not that I'm ashamed or anything. But they're making a big deal of it.. and the fact that they don't like her.. Man, I hate the fact that Alex is the most popular girl at school." I exclaim. Alyssa grins.

"Well, if someone would tell another person that the Alexandra Cabot was dating you, he probably won't believe it. No offence of course." She smirks. "Casey.. You just want other people to see how she really is. I mean, I know you won't like her if she was really the person everybody thinks she is. So there's gotta be something about her.. And I believe you if you say you like her.."

"I love her, Alyssa.. I told her.. Right before we did it.. For the first time." I tell her. I'm not sure if I should tell her, but it just feels good. I can tell her everything. I can trust her. She's like my little sister. "Will you come over one day and have dinner with the three of us, so you can get to know the Alex I know? I mean, I have to ask Alex, but I'm sure she wants to do that for me. She knows how much you mean to me, uncle Al. Funny right, how my two significant people are called 'Al'?"

"That doesn't count, Case. You don't call her 'Al'. And sure as hell you don't call her 'Uncle Al', like me." She chuckles. "And I would love to come over some time. Just let me know when, and I will be standing in front of your door, Little Girl."

"Whoa, I haven't heard you call me that since like forever." She always used the words 'Little Girl' when we were a little younger, when she tried to comfort me or something. I really love it when she does that.

"I just thought it was the right moment." She shrugs, feigning cockiness.

"You're such a dork, Al." I grin. "That's why you're my best friend." I hug her tight.

"Yeah, that's only because you're the queen of dorks." Alyssa chuckles. I pout.

"Nah, that kind of means that I'm your queen and you should obey me and do everything I say." My pout changes into a grin.

"A damnit! You got me there, Her Majesty." Alyssa says, making a face.

"Well, let's go back to Diane's room. They might think we're starting an affair in the bathroom." I grin.

"Oh, you would be a lucky woman if you had an affair with me!" She gives me a kind of naughty face, so I nudge her side.

"Alyssa! Don't say such things. I mean.." I wiggle my eyebrows. "I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of you.. And I _know_ you wouldn't be able to handle me.. And my incredible sexiness. One taste of this, and you're addicted. I assure you!"

"Oh my god, Casey. You sound so horrible if you talk like that." Alyssa laughs. "I hope you don't talk like that to get Alex into bed with you, because if that works, I'm just.. Just.."

"Speechless?" I finish her sentence, grinning.

"Yeah, kind of!" Alyssa chuckles. "I was aiming at flabbergasted, but speechless works too."

"Well, maybe Alex has a thing for me talking 'sexy'." I say, as I gesture quotation marks. "But I guess that's just for me to know, and for you to find out." I tease her.

"Hmm, I kind of don't want to know what turns her on, you know. So don't tell me." She grins. "Leave it in the bedroom."

"Alrighty then." I smile. "Let's go back to the others." I suggest.

"Seems like a good idea to me."


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: So, I have a little time to write right now. (Turns out we have internet on the camping ^^). You can still review, because I can read them ^^ Enjoy this one (I guess you will just be mad at me after this one, but I hope not).**

** Blitz, let me know if the story line is still okay with you.**

**By the way, I don't know about you, guys, but I miss the lyrics, so this one contains some ^^ ****This one is a little different though, I just wanted to try something. See if it works out.. I hope you like it ^^**

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_Alex's POV_

I'm sitting on the couch, TV on, but I'm not actually paying attention. I'm thinking about what Casey said about us. I haven't told anybody that I'm a lesbian, but that's okay right? I mean, I only recently discovered it, and I know for sure for only a few weeks now. They don't have to know. Maybe if they ask, I would tell them, but it's not easy to bring up the subject out of the blue. It's not like just say to your friend 'Hey, I have to tell you something. I'm gay.' Or maybe you just have to say it like that, I don't know. I never met someone coming out to me. I could walk hand in hand with Casey and tell everyone at the same time I'm a lesbian, but that's the last thing I want. I look up at the clock, and see it's almost seven o'clock in the evening. I actually have to make dinner, but I'm not in the mood. I hear the key turning in the front door, and a few moments later, Casey walks in. She seems in a bad mood too, so I just wait for her to say something.

"Hey.." She sighs, but she sounds like she just saw someone die.

"Hey.." I reply. She walks to the hat rack to put away her coat. Normally she first walks to me to give me a kiss, but this time she seems to be mad at me for something. I guess it's got something to do with our difference of opinion this morning. I notice I don't mind that much. Maybe that's because I'm mad at her too, but I don't really want to be mad. I just think I have a short temper because of my period. I decide to just ask her. "What's wrong, sweetie?" I use my nicest voice possible, but I can hear the bad undertone in my voice. It's barely audible, but Casey knows me better than just a random person.

"Just leave me alone Alex." She says. "You know what's wrong."

"Is this still about our fight this morning?" I ask her, not knowing what else to say.

"Oh the hell it is. My friends don't understand me. They don't understand why I'm dating you, because they think you're an outrageous bitch, like I always thought you were. The person you pretend to be is the person we normally don't like. I didn't like you at first, until I got to know you. But I can't explain them how you really are. They don't believe me. They think you're messing with me. And if you just tried to tell Cheryl or someone else you trust.. Maybe people are okay with it. But you just hide from your problems and don't face them. You're weak, Alex. You shouldn't care about your image. Image is nothing. Nothing compared to love or friendship. Real friendship. Not the kind of friends you can't tell them you're gay. That's not what friends are like, Alex. They should take you the way you are, not the way they want you to be." Casey yells.

She really seems frustrated by my behavior, and I kind of feel bad right now. But I don't know what to do. I can't do what she's saying, right? Or can I? Why can't she just wait until I get into college? What's the problem? Why does this all have to be so difficult? It shouldn't be so difficult. Why am I not just attracted to guys?

"Casey.. I just.. don't want to. Why can't you respect that?" I ask her, a little annoyed. I just don't want to talk about it anymore. I just don't want to think about it. Why can't she just drop the case?

"Because you're my girlfriend and I want to tell people, and above all, I want my friends to understand. They think I'm weird for being with you.. I don't want that. Besides, I think it's important for you to out yourself." She says, looking into my eyes. I can tell she's mad, but I also feel my pulse rising. I'm going to be mad, and when I am, you better keep distance.

"Drop it, Casey. I don't want to tell them. That's my problem." I grind my teeth, to hide my anger, but I'm having a hard time doing that.

"No I won't drop it. I'm sick of it, Alex. I just don't want to lie to people. And I don't want you to lie to people. And to yourself. Because you are." She raises her voice a little more, every sentence. And every time she does that, I feel my anger building up in my body.

"You know what.. If you just don't want to listen to me, and what I want.. I just.. Oh, god! You.. I don't.. No, I just.. I'm gonna leave. And leave me alone, please.." I eventually end my line. I don't know what to say anymore. I can't think straight anymore. My anger blinds me from everything else. I should probably just go. Well, actually not, but I don't want to stay, because maybe I will harm Casey. I just have to go. I grab my coat and walk out of the door, to the car. I know I probably shouldn't be driving in a state like this, but I just want to blow off some steam and I think the right way to do that is by driving.

* * *

_Casey's POV_

I can't believe she's just walking out the door right now. She's avoiding the matter. She shouldn't be. This should be her life right now. Outing herself. It's an important thing to do. The fact that she's mad, probably means that I'm right and she doesn't want to admit it. But I don't know. With Alex you just don't know. Maybe she's just so stubborn.. She won't listen to me. Or does she, but she thinks it's just too hard to admit to the world she's gay? I don't know what that feels like. I don't want to be the girl that molds herself into a person she's not, acting like some parts of herself aren't real. I can't believe she's that kind of person. And I don't understand why I've fallen for that kind of person. Maybe lately I'm not acting myself anymore. But Alyssa would have told me I was acting weird, and she didn't.

I sit in the living room, waiting for Alex, but she's still not home yet. It's been a few hours now, and I'm getting worried. She wouldn't stay away that long. There's a scary feeling in my gut that something happened to her, but I guess that's just because my parents died. But I don't know. It just doesn't feel right. I decide that I go look for her, although I don't have any idea where she could have gone. I grab my coat and walk out the door. I'm halfway the front garden, when I think of my cell phone. Maybe she'll try to reach me that way. To think of it, I haven't tried to reach her that way. I decide to try to call her, but unfortunately I hear her phone upstairs. She left it at home. _Damn_. Well, I guess that leaves me with the option to just look for her. I look at the clock for a second time, and see it's almost eleven in the evening.

I've been walking around our neighborhood for about an hour and a half now, and I still haven't found her. I wonder if she's at Cheryl's or someone other's place, but I can't think of someone she's staying right now, so I just keep walking. It's getting cold and I'm really worried. It's so not Alex to just leave and vanish without a trace. But she has the car, so she could be very far right now. It's almost one o'clock and I'm about to give up my search, when my phone goes off. It's a number I don't recognize, and I'm always a bit suspicious about unknown caller-IDs, but right now, I don't care. I answer.

"Hallo?" I ask at the strange person at the other side of the line.

"Am I speaking to miss Novak?" A female voice asks me, she sounds sternly.

"Yes?" I'm not sure what to think right now. Please don't let it be Alex, please don't.

"I'm sorry if I called you awake, and that I call you at this hour in general, but I must ask you to come to the hospital. You're Alexandra Cabot's stepsister?" The woman asks me.

"Yes.. Ma'am, what's wrong?" I ask her. I can feel I'm freaking out right now.

"Your stepsister was in an accident. We don't know what happened, but she's crashed into a tree. Fortunately, she wasn't driving too fast, so she's still alive, but she needs you. Are you able to make it to the hospital?" She seems concerned, but I don't care. Alex needs me. We had a fight. What if she dies and the last thing I said to her was that she's a liar. I can't live with that.

"I don't know. She's got the car. I.. Our parents died. I only have her.." I stutter. I'm totally losing it, but I try to stay calm and figure out a way to get to the hospital. Maybe I can call Alyssa. "I can try a friend of mine."

* * *

_This is how it feels when you're bent and broken, this is how it feels when your dignity's stolen.. When everything you love is leaving, you hold on to what you believe in.. __The last thing I heard was you whispering goodbye, and then I heard you flat line.._

Half an hour later I'm on my way to the hospital. I'm sitting next to Alyssa in her car. She seems a little worried, but I don't know if she's worried about me or about Alex. I guess the first of the two. She doesn't really like Alex. I silently pray to God for Alex to live. I don't say a word to Alyssa, but I think she understands. She understands me. One of the few who actually does. And the rest of the people who do, either died or are in the hospital at the moment. This isn't just about Alex, my girlfriend, maybe dying. This is also about the last person to take care of me. My last guardian. After Alex I will have nothing left. There's no other family who can take care of me. Without Alex I'm just alone.

_No, not gonna die tonight, we're gonna stand and fight forever - don't close your eyes - no, not gonna die tonight, we're gonna fight for us together. No, we're not gonna die tonight.._

It looked like the car ride took forever, but half an hour later, we arrive in the hospital. I hurry to the desk to ask about Alex. They tell me she's on the ICU, and she's stable, but not out of danger. She's still unconscious, but it's not so bad that she's comatose. They think she's gonna make it, so I pray a little more to God for her to get better. She just has to be better. For me, for her parents.. Above all, for herself. She isn't done with life yet. I ask the receptionist if I can visit her. She asks me if I'm her sister. I tell her I'm her stepsister. She says she has to verify if I'm allowed to stay with her. I silently hope that I can stay with her till she wakes up, but I don't try to get my hopes up too much. She can't die. Not after all those things I said. I won't forgive myself. Never.

A few minutes later, the receptionist returns and tells me it's okay to stay how long I want. I inform Alyssa and tell her it's okay to go home and get some sleep. She tells me if I need a ride or something, that I can call her whenever I want. I give her a hug and go to the ICU with another nurse. She tells me about her vitals, but I really don't care. I just want to know how Alex is. If she's gonna wake up. When I see her in the gurney, with her hospital gown, death pale, I freeze. I've never seen her that vulnerable and broken before. It's like she's already dead, but the wires leading to the monitors tell me that she's alive and breathing. The nurse also tells me she's still breathing on her own and that it's a good sign.

I sit next to Alex, and slowly reach for her hand. It feels cold, so I stroke my thumb over her knuckles. I close my eyes and feel the hot tears stinging in my eyes, rolling down my face.

"Alex.." I whisper, afraid to break or harm the person I call my girlfriend. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said all those things. I'm so sorry for our fight. Please don't die. I won't forgive myself. I won't forgive you. Please, give us another chance. Don't give up on us." I carefully squeeze her hand.

_The last thing I heard, was you whispering goodbye.. And than I heard you flat line.._

The monitor starts beeping loud and two nurses and a surgeon storm in, shouting to each other. I vaguely hear them calling something about a crash cart and coding, but I don't really take part of the events that are taking place right now. The whole world stopped turning a few seconds ago. I'm cold, but at the same time I'm hot. I don't know about anything anymore. I just stare at Alex, as if I can help her by just watching her. I don't even notice another nurse tries to get me out of the room. It's almost a minute later when the monitor starts to make sounds that are normal for a living person. The nurse loses her grip on my arm and the other ones sigh in relief. She's alive.

_This is how it feels when you take your life back, this is how it feels when you finally fight back. When life pushes me I push harder, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.._

"Casey?" A small voice sounds from the gurney. If I hadn't seen her lips move, I probably would have thought I had gone crazy. Suddenly I'm aware of my own heart, beating in my chest. It's still beating. So does Alex's. And she can talk.

"Alex, I'm here." I carefully walk back to the bed and take her hand. "Everything will be alright." With my other hand I stroke her hair.

_Don't you give up on me, you're everything I need.. This is how it feels when you take your life back, this is how it feels when you fight back.._  
_No, not gonna die tonight.._


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: So, you haven't heard from this story in two weeks. I'm sorry it took so damn long. It's just that I'm having a writer's block and there's all these new ideas (and just frustration writing (mostly)). So, I hope this one makes up a little. Just let me know if you're still liking the story ^^ I love your reviews. :) Hope you enjoy this one ^^**

**(I'm actually a little curious, which of you have Googled the songs I'm referring to? ^^)**

* * *

_Casey's POV_

I've been sitting by Alex's side for almost the whole night. I still haven't slept yet. I'm just not tired or something. Maybe it's just the adrenaline. Alex is sleeping, though. She's sedated, so she has a hard time staying awake. But most of the time she's awake, she's just delirious. She keeps asking me why I dyed my hair, and she keeps following that up with telling me how beautiful I am, but green doesn't fit me. Well, obviously I didn't dye my hair green.

She also told me she loves me and that she's proud to be with me. She told she was gonna tell Cheryl about us. I don't know if she means it, but I will notice soon. I guess. I just hold her hand and wake her up every two hours. The nurses asked me if I wanted to keep an eye on her, or if they had to do it. Alex cannot sleep for more than two hours straight, because that's not right when you're having a concussion.

_Alex's Blurry POV_

___I hate feeling like this, I'm so tired of trying to fight this. I'm asleep and all I dream of is waking to you.  
__Tell me that you will listen, __your touch is what I'm missing, __and the more I hide I realize_ _I'm slowly losing you.  
__Comatose, I'll never wake up without an overdose of you._

I hear a voice. I try to open my eyes, but I'm just not able to. It's like trying to lift a car of a person. I hear a voice, but it's like it's coming from miles away. I have a hard time listening to those words, but just the voice makes me feel more comfortable than I was before. I feel something stroking my hand, and try to squeeze the hand whose holding mine, but then again, it doesn't work out. It's like fighting a force that's just too strong. A force called sleep.

_My father is sitting in a chair on the porch. It's already midnight, but I just can't sleep. I just watch him for a few seconds, maybe minutes, but somehow he senses my presence. He turns around his head and just for a moment I think he's gonna send me back to bed, but he doesn't. He just smiles and gestures I have to come to him. I'm just a little girl, so he picks me up and sets me in his lap._

_We just look up at the stars for a while. Just enjoying the view. I'm laying my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. I count them for a moment, when he intervenes._

_"Do you see those stars, Lexie? It's possible most of them aren't there anymore. But still, we can see them."_

_I look up at him, thinking he's kidding, but he's not. He's watching me seriously._

_"How come?" I ask him, frowning._

_"Like the sun, stars kind of send light to us. But it has to travel down to here. It takes some time to get here, you know. It takes the closest star about four years, till the light reaches us. So you're literally looking back in time, when you look at the stars." He pauses for a while. "You're my star, Ali."_

_"Am I your history?"_

_"You're my history, my future and above that, my present. You never know when you've got less future left than history, so you have to live in the present tense. Here and now is what counts. Sometimes, history hurts, and everything you desire is the future, where you can just forget. But you have to deal with it in the present, before you can forgive and forget in the future." He pauses again, as if he's pondering. "My dad used to tell me. 'If I'm gone, just look up at the stars. That's where I am.' I never fully understood, until tonight.."_

I wake up again. The dream fades away quicker than I can really realize what I dreamed. My head hurts a lot, so I take a little time to open my eyes. I notice Casey is still holding my hand. I open my eyes and squeeze her hand, but I'm weak. She looks in my eyes, and I can tell she's really tired.

_Casey's POV_

_I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe, un__less I feel you next to me. Y__ou take the pain I feel, __waking up to you never felt so real.  
__I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream, __because my dreams don't comfort me t__he way you make me feel, __waking up to you never felt so real._

After a whole afternoon of shortly being awake before dozing off again, Alex is finally able to be awake for more than a few seconds. I'm still holding her hand, right by her side. She isn't a risk anymore, so she's moved to a regular room. Her 'roommate' is comatose and apart from that there are none. One of the nurses, I think her name is Alicia, tried to send me home to get some sleep, but I refused. I just wanted to be there when Alex is fully awake. She shouldn't be alone. When the blonde finally opens her eyes a little longer than just a second, she squeezes my hand back.

"Casey.." She whispers. She sounds really weak. "You're still here."

"Of course I am. I promised, right?" I assure her. It's quiet for a while, until Alex breaks the silence.

"I'm so sorry, Case. I really am." I can see she's hurt. Her eyes are teary red, but she isn't really crying yet.

"About what?" I ask her. I'm not so sure why she's apologizing.

"About the fight. I know it's ridiculous I haven't told anyone, even not my friends. I know you're right about everything. It's just that I don't.. have the guts to tell them." She pauses for an instant, but continues when she braced herself again. "It's just.. before my father died.. I told him almost everything. But since he's gone.. I can't ask him to help me. He won't even know that I'm into girls.. So does my mother. I can't ask them what to do. I'm just so scared of everything, Casey. I have to take care of you, even if I'm barely a grown-up yet. I shouldn't be worrying about that kind of stuff. And it all went so fast. I wasn't prepared. And now I'm confused about all these feelings I'm feeling, and I don't know if my friends are still gonna like me.

And if you leave.. I won't have anyone anymore. I'm all alone. And the thought of it.. It just makes me sick. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore.. Because of all the lies. The lie I'm living. Except with you. You are my truth. You are the evidence of me being gay. And I love you.. And that's one of the things that scares me the most. And I just don't tell you those things, because I think I should take care of you, not the other way round. I'm your legal guardian. Our parents made me to. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know." She sighs, tears streaming down her face.

"You take good care of me, Alex." I wipe the tears from her face. Actually, I want to sit next to her, wrapping my arms around her to soothe her, but I'm afraid to pull her IV out. "You're allowed to cry. You're allowed to be scared. If you think about what you made through.. Everybody would freak out. I just wish for you to be happy about yourself.. You shouldn't lie about yourself. You will have me. You won't be alone. Even if the whole world abandoned you. I won't leave your side.."

Alex pulls me on the bed and wraps her arms around me. She cries and cries. I've never seen her this broken. Maybe it's because of the drugs, maybe it's because of the fight.. Maybe it's because of the crash, I don't know. But I know now that's she's just scared as hell. Scared to be alone. Her parents already left her behind..

"Casey?" The hoarse voice of Alex sounds. I look up at her. "Thanks. For staying with me.. Even though I don't deserve it.."

"We all make mistakes." I whisper in her ear, before placing a kiss on her chin. I pause for a moment, but then I decide I want to know. I need to know. "Alex?" She indicates that she's listening. "Did you try to kill yourself?"

She looks me in the eye. Actually, I'm a little afraid of what she's gonna say. What if she tried to commit suicide? Could I bear the fact that she was me leaving alone? But she shakes her head.

"No.. I won't do that to you.. How much I hate my life, I wouldn't do that to you.. My father once told me, if you don't want to live for yourself anymore, think about the others.. The ones you love, and love you back. Live for them.. And I won't leave you like that, while we're fighting. You won't forgive yourself." She whispers. I lay my head on her chest, and listen to her heartbeat. It's equal to the sounds the monitor is making.

"What happened?" I ask her. I close my eyes again. I almost lost her. I feel the tears sting in my eyes.

"I was angry.. I was driving down the road, accelerating, when a cat suddenly jumped in front of the car. I startled and lost control over the wheel. That's the last thing I know.." She's almost inaudible while she talks.

"They had to resuscitate you.. You flat-lined right in front of me." I whisper. One of my tears escapes my eyes and rolls down my cheek. "I almost lost you.."

"But you didn't." Alex strokes my hair, and it's actually soothing. "I'm still here." I close my eyes and it doesn't take long for me to doze off.

* * *

A few days later, Alex is allowed to go home again. She's still not allowed to go back to school, but we arranged some things with school, so she can still do homework. She won't fall into arrears that much that way. Although, her concussion is still making it hard to do a lot. Even the easiest things cause her to break down. She sleeps a lot. I think it's nice to have some company again at home. The house is quite big when you're alone. Even at night. The evenings Alex was still at the hospitals, I had dinner with Alyssa's family. They invited me over at night, so I could take care of Alex at the hospital. They had cleared her and told us the accident hadn't caused permanent damage to her brain.

It's Friday night and I'm sitting on the couch, next to Alex. We're watching a movie. Well, kind of watching, because Alex isn't really able to listen to harsh sounds. After a while, Alex lays her head on my shoulder, snuggling into me. It's cold, so we're lying under a blanket together. I wrap my arms around her and stroke her arm. I enjoy the warmth and the coziness, when Alex suddenly turns her head to look at me.

"You know.. we haven't been intimate in a while now.." She whispers. I can tell she's been thinking about touching me in ways she hasn't done in a while.

"You have a concussion." I simply state. "Besides, I like snuggling very much, so you don't have to be afraid I'll go somewhere else."

"True that.." She's quiet for a while, but I can almost hear her think.

"I won't do anything, you know. You can beg, but you are almost not able to walk up the stairs. You really think you can handle some making out on the couch? I don't think so." I frown at her.

"You are so sexy when you're stern." Alex smirks.

"Don't you even try." I say, but I smile a little.

"Aah." She pouts. "I'm just bored. I'm sick of only sleeping and dreaming about.."

I put my finger on her lips. "Don't finish that. I have to make you take a cold shower."

"It's not that bad anymore. I can sit straight up." She demonstrates and pulls me in for a kiss. First, delicate, but soon she runs her tongue across my lips. I can't resist and allow her entrance. We explore each other's mouths and I feel her left hand stroking my hair. I feel her other hand sliding under my shirt, unclasping my bra. I pull away from the kiss, looking at her suspiciously. She seems fine, but I shake my head to express my disapproval. "Come on, Case. I'm fine. I just want to make out."

She starts kissing my neck. When she finds a sensitive spot, she suckles and bites it softly. I feel the desire growing in my stomach so I just let her. If she can't handle it, she will stop. I run my hands up her back, softy raking her skin with my nails, leaving a white trail of scratches. I unhook her bra too. She's now nibbling my earlobe. I trace my hands back down to the hem of her shirt and pull it up, leaving her breasts uncovered. I tease her nipples with the tips of my fingers, until they're hard. I notice Alex is squeezing her eyes shut. She seems hurt.

"Are you okay? Your head again?" I ask her, whispering softly. She slowly nods. "It's okay Alex. I told you it's too soon. I'll tuck you in, so you can sleep. Just take some of your medication so you will sleep through the night."

"I'm sorry." She seems to be ashamed. I don't want her to be ashamed. I actually didn't expect her to do anything.

"Alex, it's okay. I wasn't expecting anything. It's not your fault. You will be better one day, and we will make out on this couch. You don't have to hurt yourself like this." I stroke her hair. "Come on, I'll take you upstairs."


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I'm sorry it took so long, again (I was having some exams.. Again. Well, second chances (for two of them even fourth chance) actually, and Friday I have my last for the next two, three months or something, so.. I can only recommend you not to study mathematics XD). I loved your reviews :) I hope you love this chapter ^^ It's a rather happy one compared to the rest, so I'm sorry if it bothers you. Well, enjoy!**

**(By the way, this is the thirteenth chapter ^^ My favorite number is 13. Alright, not interesting ^^)**

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_Casey's POV_

One week later, I walk back home after school. When I close the door behind me, I notice Alex isn't on the couch, like the rest of the week. She's still sick home, recovering from her concussion. Monday, I called the doctor, because her headaches didn't reduce. After examining Alex, he had concluded she needed blood thinners. Since then, she did better. I look in the kitchen, but she isn't there. I walk upstairs, because I wonder if she's taking a nap or something, but when I look into her room, she isn't there either. Then it comes in my mind that the might have taken a bath, so I walk into the bathroom, finding Alex. She's in the bathtub, eyes closed.

"Hey." I say. The smell of eucalyptus penetrates my nostrils, and it makes me feel relaxed.

"Hi. I wasn't expecting you early." She says, still eyes closed.

"I got a free track, so I got to go early today. How are you?" She opens her eyes, looking at me.

"Well, I feel better. I mean, I still have a headache, but it isn't that bad anymore." She smiles. "Join me?" Her smile turns into a grin.

"If you insist.." I start, grinning too.

"Since when do you obey so well?" The blonde raises her eyebrows, but there's still a shadow of her grin on her face.

"I can be a very good girl." I tease, as I unbutton my blouse. I notice she's following my fingers. She licks her lips as I slowly push the blouse from my shoulders, letting it fall on the ground.

"I guess you can." She whispers, still keeping her eyes locked in a gaze at my body, so I continue to open my jeans, seductively pushing those down, until they're off, leaving me in my underwear.

"I think you missed me today, didn't you?" I whisper seductively, keeping my eyes on the blonde. She nods slowly. I unclasp my bra and let it fall on the ground, along with my other clothes. I push my panties on the ground too, leaving me completely naked. I walk to the bathtub and put one leg in the bath, across Alex. I reunite my other leg with the leg already in the bath and sit down while I notice the water level raising. I position myself, placing my legs each next to Alex's sides, and she does the same with her legs, so they cross each other.

"So tell me, how was your day?" She asks me, looking me in my eyes. She has that look on her face..

"It was okay I guess.. Then I came home, and it became better." I grin.

"Ah, how come?" The blonde asks me, teasing. She runs her fingers across the skin of my calf, up to the inside of my knee.

"Hmm, I don't know. Do you?" I tease back.

"Well, let's say, I have a suspicion." She pulls my legs closer, pulling me closer, until we are both sitting up, legs tangled.

"Tell me." I say, my eyes are half-closed, but I'm still not averting my gaze. In response, Alex leans in and kisses me on the lips. I deepen the kiss, and run my hand up her back, tangling my fingers into her hair. I feel her nipples harden against mine. She starts kissing my cheek, trailing off from my jaw, to my neck. I place my hands on her back, slowly lowering them until I cup her buttocks.

I lift her a little, and when she's out of the water for just a part, the foam slides of her skin. I put her on my lap, stroking her inner thighs. She places both hands on my neck, looking into my eyes.

"Oh, how gorgeous you are." She whispers. I slide my fingers between her legs and run one between her folds. She moans. "Oh, you're such a tease."

* * *

Somehow we ended up in Alex's bed together, both naked and all sweaty. I have my eyes closed, because actually I'm dead tired. Alex wraps her arm around me and pulls me against her chest. She strokes my hair, brushing my scalp with her fingertips. I purr against her skin, which causes her to get goosebumps. I smile against her skin in response.

"Hmm, what's funny?" Alex's voice sound husky.

"Just enjoying this. You, me. I guess you really missed touching me, Lex." I grin, looking up at her.

"What did give me away?" Alex frowns, pretending to be pondering about this.

"I don't know." I pretend to be thinking hard, too.

"Pharisaic." Alex giggles, as I raise my eyebrow. What the hell does that mean?

"What?" I look at her like I see burning water or something.

"Just an chic word. It means hypocritical." She grins.

"You and your fancy words." I roll my eyes.

"Did you just roll your eyes at me?" Alex tries to look offended, but her eyes smile.

"Are you gonna punish me?" I pout my lips.

"Well, I would have if I weren't this tired. And we still have to eat." It looks like that came up just seconds before she said it. Well, to think of it, I'm hungry, too.

"Can't we just order some pizza or something?" I suggest. I'm actually not in the mood to make some dinner anymore, so that looks like a proper solution.

"That's fine by me." Alex smiles.

* * *

One week later, it's Friday night and Alex decided to hang out with Cheryl, so I decided to invite my friends over, since it's been a long time they were at my place. We're just hanging out a bit, sitting on the couch and talking about all kinds of stuff.

"Well, I think Stephanie has something to tell you, guys." Diane says, grinning from ear to ear, while Stephanie's look shoots daggers at the brunette.

"You promised you wouldn't tell anyone." She hisses at her best friend.

"Relax, I didn't tell anything. But you are going to tell them." Diane says as her grin grows wider.

"Ooh, are you seeing someone?" Alyssa pops up, engaging in the conversation. Stephanie doesn't even have to answer the question, because her face speaks volumes. "Well, since your face is turning even redder than Casey's hair is, we can assume you are seeing someone. So, spill it." Alyssa grins.

"Damnit, Diane. This is the last time I tell you something in private." Stephanie whines.

"Ah, Steph, come on. We both know that's not true. You love me." Diane teases, nudging the blonde's side.

"Hmm, I don't know that for sure anymore." Stephanie says frowning. "Well, yeah. I'm seeing someone. But I don't know if he's into me that much. We only kissed once."

"But you like him, right?" I ask her.

"Yeah." She nods.

"Do we know him?" Marcie asks, furrowing her eyebrows.

"Well, he's from our school. He's a senior." Stephanie adds. I kind of get the feeling she doesn't want to tell us what his name is, but Marcie doesn't give up.

"What's his name?" Marcie tries again, to get as much information as possible.

"Case, what if we got some drinks and snacks or something?" Alyssa suggests. I nod.

We walk to the kitchen and I grab a few bags of chips, while Alyssa gets bowls to put them in. "So, tell me. How are you and Alexandra doing?" She asks me when she hands me the bowls, looking in my eyes, so I know I can't tell her lies.

"Well.. I guess we're alright. I mean, Alex is doing better when it comes to her concussion, and she's able to go to school again.." I say, wondering if she meant how 'we' as in 'relationship' were doing, but I decide to just keep my answer this way.

"You know damn well I didn't only mean how you were doing individually, but together." Sometimes I think she can read my mind. "But I'm glad to hear she's doing better."

"Hmm. I guess we're alright then." I say, but I get caught lying as I speak.

"You aren't, are you?" Alyssa looks a little concerned. "Tell me. You can tell me everything, Case. I'm your best friend."

"I don't know. It's just.. she won't tell anyone we're together. It looks like she ashamed of me. Of herself. I don't know. But I won't tell her that anymore, because the next time I did, she got in that accident and.." Tears are welling up in my eyes.

"You almost lost her." She finishes my sentence. "Case, look at me. It's not your fault, right? You have the right to tell her your concerns and your wishes. If you truly want her to tell her friends or someone, you can her that. And she shouldn't be running away from herself, pretending to be someone she's not. But she also has different friends like you have. So I kind of understand why she isn't telling them anything. I don't approve it, but I understand. And I'm sorry if she's hurting you by not telling anybody.."

"And I wish I could just talk to my parents.. But I can't.." Tears start streaming down my face. Alyssa pulls me into a hug to console me and I cry and I cry and I cry.

About ten minutes later, I ran out of tears and stop crying. "Case.." Alyssa whispers. "Everything will be okay, right? You can always call me, when you're down or need to talk or anything else. I will pick you up or come at your place." She pauses for a moment. "And I know I'm not one of your parents, but I'm your family. You don't call me Uncle Al for no reason, right?"

I grin. She really does make me feel better most of the time. I love that about her. She's the best friend I could only wish for, but I have her. And I'm damn lucky she's my best friend. "Well, I guess I have the greatest uncle, who is actually a woman."

"Maybe I should grow a mustache." She purses her lips and frowns, as if she's really considering growing a mustache.

"I bet you look great with one." I laugh. "Maybe you should learn how to sip whiskey out of a bottle, slur all the time and gain two-hundred pounds." I joke.

"Hmm, but you are obliged to call me fat uncle Al, and that sounds not so nice anymore." She frowns. "But slurring it is!" She slurs.

"Uncle Al-coholic." I grin.

"Of all the puns I've heard before, I guess this is the worst." Alyssa laughs.

"Well, I guess it's good it's no German sausage then." My grin grows wider.

"Oh my God! Stop it, you." She chuckles. "Otherwise I have to pun-ish you."

"Damn, don't. I'm so scared." I pretend to be scared.

"Oh, you have to be scared.. Because.. I know.. You can't take to be tickled." Her eyes look evil. I look at the counter and see a tin of whipped cream from earlier that evening, so I grab it.

"Well.. I'm armed, so don't you dare tickling me." I try to look evil, too, but Alyssa starts tickling my sides. I yanks the cap of the tin and I squirt some whipped cream on her hair. "I told you."

"Oh, you are so evil." She laughs, stroking her hand through her hair, getting some whipped cream and smearing it on my nose and forehead. "You're welcome." She grins.

"Well, I guess revenge is a dish best served with whipped cream, right?" I chuckle.

"You look delicious." The dark-haired woman grins. "Alexandra is a lucky girl."

"Well, every guy would be happy to have you." I grin. "As long as you don't tickle them."

"Damn, but I like tickling." She pouts, but her eyes are smiling.

"Yeah, I know that too damn well, Al." I pull her in for a hug.

"Aw, you love me because of it." She grins.

"No, I love you in spite of it." I place a quick kiss on her temple. "Thanks for cheering me up like this. I really needed it." I whisper.

"That's what best friends are for, right?" She smiles genuinely. I nod. "Well, let's participate again in the discussion about Stephanie's soon-to-be-boyfriend."

* * *

**A/N: Well, it's a little short, but I have something in mind after this, which takes a new chapter, and I didn't think it would fit in such a happy chapter. So.. Excusez-moi ^^**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Don't worry, I won't kill off anybody. It's not that bad, but it's just not that fluffy (on the contrary) like the last one, so.. I hope you'll be able to enjoy this one :') By the way, I'm not going to have internet from Saturday till about a week later, so I won't be able to update this story (and my others) for the next week. So this will be the last in a week (maybe tomorrow another one, but I don't know that for sure). I'm sorry. Well, enjoy this one. :)**

* * *

_Casey's POV_

It's almost two o'clock when Stephanie, Diane and Marcie are leaving. Alyssa is staying a little longer, because she always want to help me to clean up a bit.

"Hmm, it's weird. I would have thought Alex would be home by now." I frown.

"Are you concerned?" Alyssa looks at me, narrowing her eyes.

"A little. She told me she wouldn't be away that long. She was just gonna hang out with Cheryl." I explain. An unpleasant feeling creeps up my body like a venomous poison spreading through your veins.

"Case. I'm sure she's alright." Alyssa squeezes my shoulder. "She'll be back.. Don't worry."

"Are you sure? Because I'm not." My voice trembles a little more than I would want to, but I just can't control my anxiety anymore.

"I'll stay with you, until she gets home, alright?" She takes my arm and pulls me to a chair, softly forcing me to sit down. "It will be okay. She won't leave you. I'm sure she's taking care of that, alright?" She looks into my eyes, but my eyes are just empty. "If you're that worried, we can call Cheryl and ask if Alex's still there."

That's when I here some noises coming from the front door. I walk to the front door and open it. It's Alex. I exhale in relief. She's alive. But when I look a little better to her, I notice her eyes are red and swollen and there's mascara on her face. She's as pale as death, and when I lay my hand on her arm to guide her inside, I feel she's as cold as ice. I bring her to the couch and sit down next to her.

"Alex.." I stumble. "What happened?"

She finally looks me into my eyes, but her eyes are even emptier than mine. I gives me the chills to see her like this. I grab a blanket that lies on the back of the couch and wrap it around Alex to warm her up a bit. Alyssa silently walks in and puts a warm cup of tea down the table. She gestures she's going to my room and leave us alone, so I nod.

"Alex, honey.. Talk to me. What happened? Are you hurt?" I stroke her leg, and tears are welling up in Alex's eyes again.

"She thinks it's a phase and that I'm kidding myself." Alex stumbles, barely audible.

"Cheryl?" I ask, already knowing the answer. She nods.

"She kept trying to persuade me into dating some guy she met, she thought was perfect for me. And I told her no. So she wanted to know why.. And she sort of guessed I was already dating someone. And she kept asking and insisting to tell me.. So I told her I am dating a girl, and that the girl in question is actually you." She pauses. "And then she started rambling about how she thought it was a phase and I would outgrow it.. And that I should keep it a secret, the rest of my life.. And I should marry a guy eventually.. Because it was an illness that can be cured.. And she would look for some doctors and rehabilitation centers who can treat me for my illness."

"I'm so sorry, Alex." I don't know what to say. That's just disgusting. Terrible. That woman needs a break. "What did you say?"

"I puked all over her shoes. She was mad, I guess. But she told me she would be disgusted too, if she knew she was gay.." Her lips are still trembling and tears are still streaming down her face. I stroke my hand across her cheek, wiping some tears away. "I told her she was the worst friend I could imagine before I told her to go to hell. That's when I stormed out of her house and decided to take a walk. I never thought she would react like this. I mean, I knew she wouldn't be happy about it, but this?"

"I know.. It's madness. It's total bullshit. There's nothing wrong with you. You opened up to her, and she turned you down in the worst way. That isn't what a friend is supposed to be like." I pause for a while, still wiping away her tears. "I'm proud of you, Alex. You finally told someone you're a lesbian. And I'm sorry it went this way, but I'm still proud. You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are. And I hope you won't ever be, because you're a great person, and nobody should change that. And if Cheryl can't accept you're into women, she doesn't deserve you."

The blonde kisses me on the lips chastely. I feel her tears on my cheeks and I tilt my head a little to grand her easier access. Our tongues meet for a moment, but she pulls away. "I love you." she sighs.

"I love you too." I tell her, looking in her eyes, as she rest her forehead against mine. "Alex?" I catch her attention. "Are you alright?"

"I don't know." She closes her eyes as she sighs. "I just wish this could be easier, you know? That you were just a guy.. And I wasn't a lesbian.."

"Well.. I can only say that life isn't just easy.. But we have a terribly difficult one with all the deceased.." I sigh. "But still, we have each other to rely on. You don't stand alone, Alex. Even if Cheryl won't stand by you, I will. I'll be your shoulder to lean and cry on. You can count on me, you know?"

She nods. "Thanks." She opens her eyes. "You're the best stepsister-slash-girlfriend I could only wish for."

I chuckle. "Well, I'll probably be your only stepsister-slash-girlfriend. Since I'm your only stepsister." I squeeze her knee, which causes her to look into my eyes again.

"I shouldn't think about it, but I'm so glad I'm not alone.. It would have been terrible if I had stand alone after my father died." She bites her lip. "Fortunately, I have you."

I look at the clock and see it's almost three. "We should go to bed. And I guess Alyssa is still waiting for me." I remember. I almost forgot that, which is such a stupid thing to do. "Are you alright or do you wanna talk some more?"

"No, I'm okay. Go to Alyssa, she's been waiting for far too long right now." Alex smiles faintly and places a chaste kiss on my lips. "Sleep tight."

I walk upstairs, going to my room and find Alyssa. She's sitting on the floor, listening to some music. She turns it off as I enter and looks up as if she wants to ask how it went.

"Well, she tells me she's alright, but I don't believe her. Her best friend.. Or like she calls it.. Or called it, I don't know.. But, her friend doesn't believe she's a lesbian. And if she is, she should be cured. As if it's a disease or something." I sigh. I'm becoming mad as I talk about it. It's just ridiculous to think it's a disease. One in ten people are gay, and even more people are bisexual, or 'something-else'sexual. Besides, if God didn't want people to be gay, he wouldn't have made them gay. It's not something you choose to be. It's how you are born. You can't change it.

* * *

_Alex's POV_

I'm not alright. I'm not okay. Why do I keep telling people I'm alright? I'm just not. I recently found out I am a lesbian, and I obviously can't deal with it. It's driving my crazy. I can't look at myself without thinking it. I can't look at myself like I did before I found out. And the most stupid thing about it is that nothing changed. I've always been like that. I just didn't know.

But now I know, and I don't know what to do about it. Or actually, with it. Because there's nothing to do about it. I can't change the way I am. I can only pretend to be someone else and be unhappy for the rest of my life. Like Casey always tells me. And she's so damn right. I shouldn't be pretending. But should I tell the truth? When I told the truth today, I just got more unhappy than I was. My best friend turned my down. Of all the people I want to accept my, the person I called my best friend all this time turned my down.

So, here I'm standing, on the boarder of two different countries. Or actually, universes. The one universe I choose to stay in the closet, and the other universe I choose to get out of the closet and be just proud of being gay. Well, the latter seems so much more tempting, if you don't take everything in account. How the hell should I choose between those two?

Sometimes I just wish I believed in God. Not to pray to Him, but to yell at Him. I already lost both of my parents, and are kind of obliged to raise my stepsister I barely know. A burden not every teenager is supposed to carry. And then He punished me even harder by making my gay. Well, that's what I would think of it if I believed in God. And I don't. It would be too unfair. What did I do wrong to deserve this kind of crap?

What kind of cruel world is this to treat people like this? As if they are sick, just because they're different than others. Just because they won't ever be in a happy straight marriage, with a bunch of children. Who the hell decides to force people to stay in the closet, pretending to someone else and be terribly unhappy because of it, because they can't ever be with the person they actually love? That's just inhuman and unnatural, right?

I wish my father was here. He always had solutions for problems. There wasn't a problem he couldn't fix. Well, I don't think he could have fixed this problem, because he can't make Cheryl and the rest of the world accept me. Hell, I don't even know if he would have accepted me. And that hurts even more. I can't even tell him how I feel about women. I can't tell him about my first girlfriend. I can only look up at the stars and hope there is an afterlife, so he could look down on me, while I look up at him.

All those things I wish I believed in, but I just don't. I don't believe in afterlife or in God. Casey does believe in God. I didn't receive the gift of believing, which makes me either glad and mad at the same time. It's always comforting to be able to fall back on a higher power. On someone who knows all the answer, although you won't ever get them. It's comforting to rely on someone that listens to you, no matter what. Who loves you unconditionally.

Well, there's your parents, but since I don't have them anymore, I don't have people left who love me unconditionally. Then there's Casey, but she doesn't love me unconditionally. Sometimes I'm just scared she would leave me if I would keep being a lesbian a secret. Well, till now she didn't. And she wouldn't, because I told Cheryl. And everything I was scared for did happen. No mercy. She didn't just say it's a phase, or tell me I shouldn't be promoting it or something. No, she just rejected it, she called it an illness. And she just expects me to crawl back in my closet, pretending it didn't happen. Pretending I never found out I'm a lesbian.

Somebody needs to tell me it's gonna be alright. Somebody needs to tell me, and mean it. And _know_ it's gonna be alright. Someone needs to comfort me, take me in his arms and stroke my hair, and whisper nice words in my ear. That it's okay to be myself. That it's okay to love women, although I am a woman myself. I need someone to embrace me, like I embrace my fear of being myself.

I close my eyes as I bury my head in my pillow, pressing as hard as I can, while I scream. I just want to scream as loud as I can, to let all of the anger out. And tears sting in my eyes, but I won't allow them to spill, because I should be mad right now. Mad at the people who aren't accepting. The people who are treating others like that. It shouldn't be this way. It just shouldn't.

* * *

**A/N: Well, this one was kind of messy. Especially the last part. But sometimes your thoughts are messy ^^ So I thought it would be appropriate after all. Well, if it bothers you, I'll hear about it. I'll try to change it, but since you asked for an update this soon, I tried to make one ^^ And I just found out I have only 4 hours of sleep left. XD (I'm gonna die. In less than 7.5 hours I'm writing my name on a piece of paper, to indicate the start of my exam. Damn XD) **

**By the way, in the beginning, I had this lyrics in the story, but it made it even messier than it already was. But since it's one of the songs I love the most, I just couldn't leave it out, so I just place it down here ^^ (Skillet - Never surrender)**

_Do you know what it's like when_ _you're scared to see yourself?_  
_Do you know what it's like when_ _you wish you were someone else_  
_Who didn't need your help to get by?_  
_Do you know what it's like __to wanna surrender?_

_I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow_  
_I don't wanna live like this today_  
_Make me feel better, __I wanna feel better_  
_Stay with me here, now,_ _and never surrender_

_Do you know what it's like when_ _you're not who you wanna be?_  
_Do you know what it's like to_ _be your own worst enemy_  
_Who sees the things in me I can't hide?_  
_Do you know what it's like to wanna surrender?_


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Well, I'm so sorry it took so long for me to write another chapter. It's just that I'm having this amazingly big writer's block, and there's all these ridiculous ideas floating around**** in my head** like evil fish. XD And it has something to do with about three different series in a crossover or something.. Or actually four or five.. XD Well, yeah. I'm crazy. ^^ Well, try to enjoy this one :)

* * *

_Casey's POV_

It's almost four in the morning, and I'm still awake. Alyssa is sleeping on a mattress on the ground, but I actually don't have the feeling she's sleeping either. I'm worried about Alex. This is a major step-back for her. She was doing fine, until now. I hope she won't drift off in her own misery and starts doing stupid things. I don't want that for her. I love her. I just wish she would look for comfort in me, and she would not run away from her pain, or from me. I want to help her. She needs to know that. She needs to know that I'm here for her. That I stand by her side through this. That she is loved by someone.

* * *

_Alex's POV_

The next morning I get up early. Well, I didn't even sleep that much. Or actually I didn't sleep. I kept pondering about what happened yesterday. I just wish I could forget. Or that I've woken up this morning, and all of this turned out to be my worst nightmare. But it isn't. It's reality. Sometimes I hate reality. I'd rather be dreaming. Sometimes, I dream, and I am aware of the fact that I'm dreaming. It's called a lucid dream. I can control everything. I can decide how my dream is going. That, I wish life was like. I could steer it in the right directions. Unfortunately, I can't. Sometimes it's better that way, sometimes it's not.

Now, it's not. I feel empty. I feel like someone's ripped my heart out, and stamped on it. That person's name is Cheryl. I would have never thought she might act this way. Although, I never thought she would approve of me being gay. I'm not sure if I approve myself. I'm happy Casey is on my side, but I feel more alone than ever. I've lost so many things in my life, why would I have to lose some more? If Casey left, I wouldn't have any reason to live anymore. Luckily, she's still here.

It's almost eight in the morning, when Casey finally enters the living room. I'm sitting on the couch, with my knees pulled up and my arms wrapped around them, thinking about what I should do. I'm still wearing my pajamas, and so is Casey. I look up at her. She looks concerned. She sits down next to me on the couch and wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me against her chest. I lay my head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat. That calms me down a bit. She strokes my hair, but she says nothing. I have the feelings that she just understands.

"I'm glad I have you." I whisper, after a long time of silence. "I don't know what I would be if I hadn't you."

"Don't think about that. I'm here, next to you. And that's where I will be." She places a long kiss on the top of my head. "I love you."

"I love you too. With all my heart." I look up at her and kiss her cheek. "Fate brought me you."

* * *

The rest of the week passes off with difficulty. Apparently, Cheryl decided not to talk about what happened last Friday, so I didn't talk about it either. I didn't quite know what to do, so I just said nothing. I just didn't talk about myself. I didn't talk about the fact that she rejected me. The fact that she doesn't approve of me being gay. I actually pretended like nothing happened, like nothing changed. I don't know if that's the right thing to do, because something did change. I'm never gonna tell anybody she's my best friend. She is not. I just have to wait till my last year on high school is over, and after this, I'll never have to see her again. When I'm in college, and can just start all over again, telling people my sexual orientation, make new friends.

Casey has been wonderful to me. This afternoon, when I walked through the corridor at school, I walked past her. Her hands touched mine, briefly, but I really liked the gesture. I wore it the rest of the day, like a good-luck charm. I don't know, but life seems so difficult sometimes. It is the little things that make you happy. But sometimes it makes it really hard to appreciate them. Or make you see that you have to appreciate them. The first thing I did when Cheryl rejected me, I cried, because I had no one. I was left alone. But I forgot on Casey. Casey is my prop and stay. I learned to appreciate that.

It's Wednesday, and I'm glad the week is almost over. When I get home, it's almost six o'clock. When I close the door behind me, I smell something delicious. It smells like lasagna. When I walk into the kitchen, Casey is leaning against the counter, waiting till the alarm of the oven goes off. She smiles when I walk in, and I walk to her to kiss her on the cheek.

"Lasagna?" I try to steal a glance through the glass of the oven, and I indeed see lasagna. I love lasagna. My mom used to make lasagna when I was sad, or had a bad grade or something. It always made me feel better. I don't know how Casey knows that. Well, she knows that I love lasagna, although we almost never eat it. Maybe I've mentioned it sometimes.

"Yeah, I figured you would love it. And I had a free track this evening, so every ingredient is fresh." She grins as she wraps her arms around my waist. "I have another surprise for you." I look up at her, raising my eyebrows.

"You do?" I ask, a little confused. Why would she do this?

"Yeah, I figured, you deserved some cheering up. So.." She takes her arms back and walks to the living room. A few seconds later, she walks back in, with a little box in her hand. I frown. "You don't have to frown, it's just a gift." She pauses, grinning at my face. I must look really confused. She takes my hand in hers, not immediately giving the box. "So.. I want you to remember this." She pauses again, but she leans in and whispers in my ear. "Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times. As long as one remembers to turn on the light."

I don't understand fully what she's aiming to, but I understand her metaphor. She hands me the little box. I slowly open it, and find a silver necklace. I carefully pick it up and notice the pendant. It's a little lighter. It's very beautiful, engraved with ornaments and stuff. Casey takes it out of my hands and hangs it round my neck.

"You like it?" She asks, a little unsure of my reaction, I notice. I smile.

"Of course. It's beautiful." I whisper.

"So.. When you're down.. or sad.." She starts, but I finish her sentence.

"I'll think of you." I smile as I place a kiss on her lips. She wraps her arms around my neck, and pulls me in to deepen the kiss. It seems like forever, until the alarm of the oven goes off.

* * *

Spring break is coming, and Casey is being all mysterious about it. I kind of got the feeling she's taking me somewhere, because I caught her looking for something in the attic. Well, I didn't quite see what she was looking for, because she was able to hide it before I could see what she was looking for, but she's definitely up to something. The last months were difficult for me, because I'm still not able to tell people about my relationship with Casey. The relationship in question is getting better, though. I've grown to love her more than I already did, if that's possible.

It's the last day before spring break starts, and I'm counting down the hours all day long. I cannot wait for two weeks of no school, because I really get sick of pretending. I don't know if that's a bad thing or a good thing. It seems to myself that I accepted the way I am, but I'm not sure if it stays that way when I'm finally coming out of the closet for real. Maybe it's also because Casey is so sweet to me, that I've grown to like myself again. She gives me a great feeling about myself, and I personally think that's a gift. With Casey, I can be myself, and that's what I love most about her.

When I walk up to our home, I notice Casey is packing stuff in the car. I frown a little and walk around the car. Casey isn't there, so I walk inside to look for her.

"Casey?" I call her. "Where are you?" It takes a few seconds, when she rushes to me.

"Oh, I guess you found out about me packing stuff." She grins. "Well, I don't know if you like it.. But I had this whole thing planned for the two of us.. I don't know if you like it.. But.." She stumbles. It looks like she hesitates.

"What?" I ask her, narrowing my eyes. "Casey, you can tell me. I won't eat you."

"You won't? Damn, I would have hoped that." She chuckles.

"You know what I mean." I wave my hand dismissively. "Well, spit it out."

"Alright then. Well, when I was young, my father and mother always took me camping. And.. I thought maybe you would like to camp with me.. As a surprise.. But I don't know.." She stumbles. "You don't like that? Because we could do something else.. But we have a tent and everything. Oh my God, I totally did something wrong, didn't I?" She looks with big eyes at me. I chuckle.

"Well, I never camped. We went to hotels and stuff." I start.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Alex. I thought you never did it, but I thought you might like it, maybe. I don't know. I'm sorry."

"Hey, shh. Don't worry so much. I've never seen you like this. Why are you so nervous?" I frown. She seems really nervous, and I don't quite understand. Although, she looks quite adorable this way.

"Oh, I thought you wouldn't like it. And it turns out I was right about that." She looks at the ground. Apparently, her feet seem more interesting than my eyes.

"I didn't say that. It's just that I've never done that before." I bite on my lip. "But, I'm willing to take a chance, and try to camp. Maybe I like it, I don't know. Maybe I don't. We could always go back home, when it's a total disaster, right?"

"Yeah, we can. So you're willing to give it a chance? That's so great." She smiles and wraps her arms around me. "Well, we leave tomorrow morning, so at least you have enough time to go packing."

"Where are we going?" I ask her. "I want to know if I have to pack winter or summer clothes and stuff."

"Well, I recommend you to just take both, since we've got enough space in the car, and we go to the mountains. During the day it will be warm, but in the evening, it can be really cold, so.." She pauses. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

I take Casey's hands in mine. "Case.. You've done all these things for me, and you helped a lot. You made me feel better. You make me feel better. And safe. If you love camping so much, and it means that much for you to take me, I'll go with you." I kiss her lips chastely.

* * *

**A/N: Well, that quote about remembering to turn on the light is clearly not mine ^^ So.. The camping idea is maybe a bad idea, but I listened a certain podcast with Diane Neal a view months ago, and she told that she loved camping.. XD Well, hope you enjoyed this one ^^ It's a little short, but it's a chapter. I'll try to update sooner, next time. **


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